My last breakup lasted three months. We both knew it had to end, but our intense attraction made it nearly impossible to cut ties completely. Each time we got together, I told myself it would be the last time… except it never was. This cycle repeated until I hit my breaking point. The emotional high I felt in the moment with him didn’t make up for the sadness I experienced days later.

Letting go of someone you love can be the scariest and most difficult thing you ever do, even if you know it’s the right move to make. Nothing is better than being in love, so it’s only natural that when you are lucky enough to find love, you do everything in your power to hold on to it.

Recovering from a breakup or divorce can be challenging, but it’s necessary to move forward. Here are 5 ways to heal and find happiness:

1. Give yourself permission to grieve.

sadWhile your impulse may be to ignore the pain, suppressing it will only prolong the healing process. Grief is healthy. Yes, suffering is uncomfortable, but it’s important to let yourself feel. The act of crying is scientifically proven to lower stress and elevate your mood.

2.   Accept that it’s over.

This may seem obvious, but sadly, many of us cling to a false hope that the other person will come back to us, and things will magically sort themselves out. However, dwelling on something you have no control over will only add to your misery. Sure, you may get back together one day down the line, but it’s best to assume you won’t, and prepare to move on.“Acceptance grounds you in what is true, which is where you have to start for any true effectiveness, happiness, or healing,” says Rick Hanson, Ph.D. “Acceptance is the foundation of wisdom and inner peace.”

3.  Distance yourself and get rid of relationship reminders.

It’s helpful to think of this time as a cleanse. Many people have a hard time letting go completely and stay in touch, regardless of how much it hurts. Cutting off contact, at least temporarily, is essential for your mental well-being. Also, get rid of the tangible reminders—pictures, clothes, and songs—that can trigger nostalgia.“Even if the split is amicable, it’s important you both go your own way and stop leaning on each other because that keeps you emotionally and energetically tied,” says life coach Christine Hassler, relationship expert and frequent contributor to Mastin Kipp’s Daily Love. “You prolong your healing process and may be preventing learning the lessons you need to learn by continuing to have contact.”

4.  Don’t relive all the happy memories.

looking at old imagesRemember the reasons why you broke up. Glorifying the past will do nothing but hurt you. It’s hard to think logically when you get swept up in such intense emotions, so when you catch yourself reminiscing about your ex, shift your focus elsewhere. Keep busy and find ways to distract yourself.“Join a running group, find an intramural team, play basketball at a nearby park,” eHarmony experts advise.

“Even taking your dog for more walks is good for both the body and soul. A little fresh air can go a long way when your brain is taxed and your heart is weary.”

Any time I’m feeling vulnerable or second-guessing my decision, I write down a list of reasons why we broke up and reread it.

5.  Remain optimistic and have faith you will find love again.

When you let go of someone who was bad for you, you make room in your life for new people and new possibilities. Starting over can be scary—you may fear being vulnerable or getting hurt again—but it is only when you truly let go that a new love can come in. Prepare yourself by staying positive and focusing on what you really want, and you will ultimately find a healthier, deeper love.

Click here to see Rose’s tips for healthy and happy relationships

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109 Comments

  • Victor Chaves
    Posted October 21, 2015 2:03 pm 13Likes

    Thank you Kaitlin for such a great and hit home article. I am a Yogi and have learnt to ” Let Go” as part of my practice but, when it comes to my ex-wife, I am stuck. I hold on to photos of our times together and even reach out to her at times. She has asked me to let go and at times I feel lonely and reminisce about the good time she and I had. I forget the reason for the break up. Your article made me look at what I have been thinking I needed to do but took no action towards letting go.
    Thank you I need to hear {read} this.

    sincerely,
    Victor

    • Gianna Caiola
      Posted October 27, 2015 10:52 am 6Likes

      Hi Victor,

      So glad this could article could help you move on. Here’s to a bigger & brighter future!

      Wishing you a lifetime of love and happiness,
      The Rewire Me Staff

  • Viola
    Posted November 24, 2015 3:23 pm 1Likes

    Thank you for this well-written article Kaitlin, I was struggling with a bad breakup not too long ago…. I wish I would’ve found this post a little sooner… This is very helpful, thx

  • Jordan
    Posted November 24, 2015 4:18 pm 4Likes

    I can relate to a breakup lasting WAY too long. I wish letting go was as simple as snapping my fingers, but unfortunately it’s a process. I am still in the healing stage, and I’m happy I came across this article–I’ll definitely use these tips!

    • Francesca
      Posted December 3, 2015 4:51 pm 8Likes

      Oh yes, getting over a relationship seems like it takes forever!! I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels like this… It’s terrible and I wonder if my Ex feels like this too….. 🙁

      • Russ
        Posted December 13, 2017 12:17 am 2Likes

        seems like you should be doing the same thing i should be doing. Letting go!!!! Easier said then done.

  • Morgan
    Posted December 3, 2015 4:53 pm 9Likes

    Breakups are so hard…and unfortunately, it doesn’t get any easier with age. Sometimes you just want to give up and swear off love forever, but it doesn’t work that way. Love is what we live for; without it life has no purpose.

    • Cathy
      Posted July 8, 2018 5:51 pm 1Likes

      I was married for 16 years & divorced after I discovered he had a second life going on. I have spent almost 2 years in the acute grieving phase. I’m slightly better in that I don’t spend the whole day sobbing anymore. But my age of 62 makes me feel like I’ll never have time to have another love in my life . When I look at men my age they seem old & out of shape. How long is it realistic for the process of grieving to take??. At the rate that I’m grieving, I’ll be dead & gone before I get close to finding some internal peace. I’m better & more functional when I’m around friends or relatives but I live far away. I crash when I’m alone again. I’m seeing a great psychiatrist. I don’t tolerate meds much & I feel like I’m a failure to his therapy.

      • Dee
        Posted July 16, 2018 9:55 am 1Likes

        Cathy, please don’t feel that way. I’m very sorry for what happens to you, for all the pain you feel. I am not great with words but I wanted to tell you about a client named John, I had several years ago who had been married for 52 years to the same women when she died. I had met them both and they seemed very happy, unfortunately John’s wife died and he was heart broken. But to my surprise (2 years later) John stopped by my office to drop off and invitation to his wedding. I could believe my eyes, John looked so happy and couldn’t stop smiling he even looked younger. When I asked him about his fiancé his whole Lit up and an even bigger smile appeared in his face he said he finally knew what being in love felt .

      • Dee
        Posted July 16, 2018 9:57 am 0Likes

        I told asked him how about your wife of 52 years (I remember how broken and devastated he was of loosing his wife) so you must understand how shocked I was to hear him say that. John told me that he had had a great wife who had been a wonderful mother to his four children and he had loved her for that. But that for his first time in his life he knew what being madly in love really felt and that he was the luckiest man alive to have descoverd that feeling. I was so happy and surprise by his statement, and I always remember John when I feel lonely or when I start asking Myself what could be wrong with me since I’m still single in my 30’s and all my friends are married and having babies.

      • Dee
        Posted July 16, 2018 9:58 am 0Likes

        I always go back to John and think everything happens for a reason and everything come to us at the right and unexpected time . So please keep your head up!! Your ex is a total dump for putting you through all this pain…please change the way you start your day…every morning wake up stretch give thanks and make the decision to be present in the moment and happy. I know your pain I to was cheated on and my boyfriend chose to stay to with a married women…I know there’s nothing wrong with me…it’s him and her who are sick for hurting people. It’s not your fault, know there is nothing wrong with you. We are only humans and we feel hurt but it’s time to make changes in your attitude and live for you for your happiness.

  • Marissa
    Posted December 8, 2015 12:58 pm 11Likes

    I hate this, every breakup seems to get harder and harder. I know it gets better eventually but I just broke up with someone I was sure I was going to marry and it is so difficult moving on from him & the future I thought we would have.

    • Tash
      Posted February 9, 2017 6:31 pm 3Likes

      I know how you feel 🙁 I was always talking to my ex about marriage after we had been together for three years. Over a month ago he told me he wanted to marry me and took me to look at rings. A couple of weeks later he broke up with me and said he didn’t love me anymore… It has been so hard because I thought he was the one, thought I was going to have his babies. And it scares me thinking about having to let him go now… It just doesn’t feel right, but what can I do?

      • Cassie
        Posted September 22, 2017 4:39 am 5Likes

        Hello Tash,
        I know you wrote this in February, but I am currently going through the same situation. We talk about children and marriage from time to time. Once a month, probably. And just last week he said “I’m so happy you are in my future. The ball is in your court because I’m yours. Im not going anywhere.” I just don’t know how you can’t tell someone that one day and the next, say you think we should break up. It just doesn’t make sense. I feel so lost, broken, and just exhausted. It’s so hard when you lose your best friend and are actively mourning someone who is alive. I hope all is well for you. I’ve been clinging on to the words “Everything happens for a reason.” I have a long road ahead of me.

        Cassie

        • Kaitlin Vogel
          Posted September 25, 2017 2:55 pm 3Likes

          Hi Cassie,

          I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. And you’re right, everything does happen for a reason. It’s hard to believe it now, but one day you will look back and be grateful this happened. Breakups are often blessings in disguise, we just don’t realize it at the time. Good luck and stay strong.

          • Michele
            Posted December 2, 2017 9:11 pm 5Likes

            Hi Kaitlin

            I’m currently facing the same problem. We agreed to ended things nicely. It hurts so bad at the moment. I don’t know what to do. All I can think of is how to get this over soon. 😔 I wish I could just sleep and wake up I forgot about everything…. I have no job at the moment, I’m not close to my family, no friends to hangout with I felt so done! I don’t have any purpose to live anymore….. I woke up in the morning like a zombie. I didn’t sleep well I have lost my appetite. I just stay inside my room all day doing nothing but crying.

        • Helga
          Posted November 15, 2017 11:38 am 1Likes

          Hey. Trash and Cassie. I am currently facing the same problem. Please let me know how did you get trough all the problems.

          Bests,
          Helga

      • Vivian
        Posted June 14, 2018 1:36 pm 0Likes

        My life was transformed so much by Dr. Isi of http://www.ancientspiritualtemples.com more than you can imagine. My relationship was going down gradually, I was so much in need of help to get my Woman back I didn’t believe it could actually happen. My life was in shambles and now its back on track with my soul mate. We were separated for over 3 months. I like to say the 3 months of hell. But now we are back again and more happy then ever before.

  • Rachel
    Posted December 18, 2015 2:58 pm 7Likes

    I recently read a quote that says, “It’s not the goodbye that hurts, it’s the flashbacks that follow” and I thought that’s so true! And there really are no words to help someone let go of someone they love, but this article does that in the most practical sense. Great job!

  • Alexander
    Posted January 16, 2016 8:46 am 0Likes

    Thank you for your insight. I enjoyed this but since my wounds are fresh I am having trouble processing it’s logic.
    Everything seems futile at this moment in time. 🙁 It has to get better though right?!

  • Marjorie
    Posted April 4, 2016 1:00 am 3Likes

    Thank you so much for this article. But I think I need someone to talk to. Moving on is pretty hard indeed. I think I need something, for me to breathe again. It really hurts, even if you cry a million times or listen to happy songs every day, or watch moving movies or hopeful shows it changes nothing but memories that you want to keep but the more I keep the memories, the more I want to seriously punish myself. It’s freakin’ hard. Someone, just anyone…. Please help me.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted April 4, 2016 1:40 pm 1Likes

      Trust me, I know the feeling. As cliche as it sounds, time really does help. Whether it’s to provide clarity that you made the right decision to let him/her go or make you realize you want to try again. It’s hard not to think about that person, but if you do, just keep reminding yourself of the reasons why you broke up. Thinking about the good times will only hurt you. When I was letting go of my ex, I found that staying busy with friends, activities, etc. helped a lot. And then there came a day when I didn’t think about him at all. You will get there, just don’t be so hard on yourself and believe you will find someone who makes you happy.

      • Arlene
        Posted October 25, 2016 9:42 am 0Likes

        It’s really true. Time does heal. I have been in a relationship for five months and it was really hard for me to move on for the first 2-3 months. I finally did what I had to do to make myself heal. Hurting emotionally is hard in it self and the most challenging part of a breakup, but we have to be strong. I hit the gym harder than I ever did and not only did I lose weight, but I felt better because I was seeing results. So, whether exercise is your thing or spending time outdoors, go for it. Let yourself enjoy what you love to do. Enjoy yourself.

    • Randy
      Posted June 17, 2016 6:15 pm 1Likes

      I’m not going to say I know how you feel. I don’t. I know it’s different for everyone. I am also going through a difficult breakup. The problem is that I didn’t want to face it. I kept going on as of nothing was wrong. It’s just a breakup, hell I’ve been through this before and I’ll be ok. Well, I was for awhile. Then one day it hit me. HARD. She’s gone and she’s never coming back. I cried uncontrollably for days. I kept thinking about the mistakes I had made in the relationship. I kept thinking (still do) why? What went wrong? What could I have done differently? Why didn’t I do this? Why did I do that? But I’m starting to realize that that way of thinking is probably pointless. I guess the point I’m trying to make is this. There has to be a grieving process like the article has stated. It’s a very painful process, I know. But allow yourself to grieve. I wish you the best of luck Marjorie. You’re not alone.

    • Jummy
      Posted September 19, 2016 1:52 am 2Likes

      It’s been a while since you wrote this. I hope you have found some peace and acceptance. The pain is so intense. Hugs

  • Marjorie
    Posted April 6, 2016 3:27 am 0Likes

    You’re right. Thank you so much. You know what, we always knew what to do, what to think or etc.. But we need to hear it from somebody to make the move. You know what I mean?

    So yeah, thank you so much.

  • Steph
    Posted May 8, 2016 3:34 pm 1Likes

    My question is how do you let go of someone whose reason for breaking up is that ‘they need to find themselves’ or ‘rethink who they are’. It’s such a vague concept, and I keep obsessing over what I could’ve done wrong when I’ve been told over and over by others that it has nothing to do with me.

    Also, I get letting go of photos and such, but with social media, it’s kind of impossible to delete every single picture of them especially when it shows good friends and other things in them…

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted May 9, 2016 9:23 am 2Likes

      This is a great question, and something I’ve asked myself before too. First of all, don’t put the blame on yourself. It’s normal to overanalyze because we want to understand what happened. For me, it helped to reframe my perspective and get really honest with myself: Was he actually making me happy? Do I miss him or do I miss the comfort of being in a relationship? Regardless of the situation, letting go, at least in the beginning, helps provide clarity and gives you a chance to heal emotionally. As for your question about getting rid of photos, the idea is to delete what you can and do your best not to look at the group pictures. It will also make you feel like you are taking your power back.

  • Jerry
    Posted May 21, 2016 8:44 pm 1Likes

    How long should this process take. My wife left because she said we didn’t have a connection anymore but have learned she is seeing someone. I feel in my mind that her leaving was for the best but my heart aches constantly. I wish I knew how to get over this

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted May 23, 2016 9:39 am 0Likes

      I’m sorry to hear about your wife. I know processing through this kind of pain is hard because you feel like your emotions are out of control. In the beginning, you have to patient with yourself because the emotional ups and downs will happen. In terms of moving on, there’s no specific amount of time because every situation is different. But as the days pass, you will get more clarity on the situation and the pain will become less and less. In the meantime, I recommend staying busy and surrounding yourself with close family and friends. Believe things will get better, and when you can mentally let go you will feel like a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders.

  • Quentin
    Posted July 14, 2016 4:10 am -1Likes

    I’m in process of trying to let go of my wife and I know its the right thing. It just seems that something is different now. The love she had for me is gone. I know she does love me. But we are both miserable, and we both have same problem–we are having a hard time letting go. I left to get some space between us and I’ve been trying to make it right, but nothing seems to be working.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted July 14, 2016 9:17 am 0Likes

      I’m sorry to hear that, Quentin. I know right now you feel like nothing is working, but you are doing exactly what you need to do. Putting some space between the two of you helps you both see the relationship from a fresh perspective. Trust that letting go is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your wife. It’s only when you really accept that that you will be able to move forward.

  • Steph
    Posted August 11, 2016 2:46 pm 6Likes

    I can’t really explain the depths of my pain. I had never been so in love – with a man who treated me like gold. He met my friends, family, integrated me into his life. He was warm and communicative and we were together for several months. I am 40 and he is 42. He always expressed his love to me and brought up marriage, living together and led the entire relationship. He paid for us to take a vacation in a few weeks. We talked about everything, had both endured loss of a parent as children, and we talked about our past relationship mistakes. We were so happy, relaxed yet still excited to see each other. Then one day a few weeks ago he literally broke up with me in a text message while I was at work. The time together and communications leading up to the breakup were just as loving as the first few weeks we were together. He said his heart wasn’t in it all of a sudden and that he didn’t know what made him happy. I wanted to speak to him so I could understand, but I never heard from him again. I am devastated. I waited 20 years to find a man like this and I can’t understand why he did this. At the same time, I know I was a good girlfriend and that I didn’t do anything wrong. We didn’t fight and we weren’t dealing with anything crazy or serious to have warranted a breakup. I sent him a final email expressing my love, heartache and confusion and that I wish he would have spoken to me and that I loved him. Still nothing. Since that email (the day after the breakup) I have not made any other contact. I am in the deepest pain of my life. I’ve been single for the past few years and never realized how alive I felt in love. I have a wonderful life of family and friends, but this companionship gave me joy I cannot possibly experience in the same way outside of a loving committed relationship (and I am a pretty joyful person!). The pain is crippling. I just cry and cry – trying to understand, praying for peace and resolution. I can’t even fathom dating again – what it took to get to this man was a series of pathetic online dating experiences with liars and shady characters. This man and I truly loved one another. I am crushed. I miss him. I’ve loved and lost before and always felt some sort of hope – but I have no clear answers — and I suffer from never getting to say goodbye – or knowing that the last time he walked out of my apartment saying he loved me would be the last time I would see him. I am in agony.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted August 11, 2016 3:43 pm 1Likes

      Steph, thank you for being so honest and open-I know the pain you’re feeling. Breakups are always hard, and it goes without saying that after a breakup you need to brace yourself for an emotional roller-coaster ride. Try looking at this situation as an opportunity to grow rather than an immeasurable loss. A breakup, from the right perspective, can be a journey during which we change ourselves for the better. Instead of feeling hopeless and focusing on something you have no control over, look to other aspects of your life you want to improve or change. Ever heard of the expression “when one door closes, another one opens”? Well, in the context of relationships–for every person who slams a door, there’s someone else there waiting to open one for you. Hope that helps!

      • Steph
        Posted August 11, 2016 9:09 pm 2Likes

        Thank you for your words Kaitlin. I appreciate them so much. Ironically a few hours after I wrote this I found myself in a conversation with another person dealing with similar pain and I immediately began insisting there was hope to be found. It had me experience the first spark of hope I have felt in weeks. Thank you for your compassion, wisdom, and for using media for good.

    • Kris
      Posted August 29, 2016 4:25 pm 0Likes

      Steph,

      I feel for you, the hurt that you are going through is just awful. I’m feeling that very same a pain right now and I just want it to go away. I hope if you are reading this now you feel a little better from 11th.

  • Essie
    Posted August 27, 2016 11:40 am 1Likes

    My heart is at peace now after reading this article and all these comments. I have realized that am not alone. Thanks everyone.

  • Kris
    Posted August 29, 2016 4:18 pm 0Likes

    My husband just told me he wants a divorce. I’m heart broken we’ve been together 25 years. How do you say good bye? I’m reading all the steps and I hope I can feel happiness again.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted August 30, 2016 10:19 am 0Likes

      Hi Kris, I’m so sorry. Letting go isn’t easy, especially when you’ve been together for such a long time. When I broke up with my boyfriend, I grieved for a long time. The beginning was the hardest, but every day got a little easier until one day I woke up and wasn’t sad anymore. Even though it was difficult, I tried to stay positive. As time passed, I started to see the situation as a fresh start–filled with adventure, new people and new experiences. Here’s to a brighter tomorrow!

  • Renee
    Posted September 1, 2016 3:33 am 0Likes

    Hi, I just broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years. I thought he was the one. I made the decision to end because I changed and we both couldn’t keep up with each other. He still loves me a lot and wanted to try to make it work again, but I have no confidence in this at all. It seems like it would require him to change to somebody he’s not to provide what I need. Despite knowing the reasons for ending things. It’s still so painful for me. I find myself going back and forth with my decision.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted September 1, 2016 9:58 am 0Likes

      Hi Renee, It’s normal to feel some doubt after you make such a big decision. Saying goodbye to someone who has been such a major part of your life is scary, and even when you know it’s the right decision, it’s still hard. Sometimes people do drift apart over time–just think about the person you were 10 years ago–we all grow and change, that’s part of life. As time passes, you will know if the decision was the right one. Either way, you did a brave thing. Stay strong and good luck!

  • Julie
    Posted September 5, 2016 8:31 pm 1Likes

    It has been comforting to read these comments, I am crippled with pain. I thought this man was the one, we spoke of marriage and even decided what our kids names would be. He has a drinking problem and has started AA and I didn’t realize the effect the drinking had on relationship or myself. I was not very supportive when he started AA as he was talking a lot about God and at the time that scared me.
    We broke up about 5 months ago but I held on to hope we would get back together once some time had healed the wounds. We started to be friends and very slowly so I thought we might be getting back on track. Then a Facebook post came up, he is in a new relationship.

    I feel so devastated. I have given him my mid 30’s and I can’t get him out of my head. I found out on my first day of a international trip and it was so difficult being away from home. I am now home and have cried for 2 days. I just want him to come by and tell me he has made a mistake.

    The words keep going around in my head what he said and I feel a loss that I don’t think I can recover from.
    I am wondering if I should make one more try to reach out and tell him how I feel or leave it alone.
    I have deleted all messages, Facebook and contact number so I can’t read over what has been.
    I love this man so much.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted September 6, 2016 3:49 pm 1Likes

      Hi Julie, thanks for reaching out. I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through, but I’m glad you are finding this article and comments helpful. As painful as it feels now, it will become less and less with each day that passes–as long as you put the work in to heal (which clearly you are by looking for articles). I’ve found that the most effective way to heal is by surrounding yourself with the people who love and support you. The first step is accepting that you cannot change the situation and letting go will be easier. I know you mentioned you tried to be friends with your ex, but that’s very difficult to do when you have such deep feelings. In most cases, it prolongs the healing process. You did the right thing by deleting all messages and reminders of him. Keep up the good work and best of luck!

  • Ramon
    Posted September 6, 2016 10:47 am 1Likes

    My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me 5 months ago. The 3 months following the initial break up was filled with hope and confirmations that she still truly wanted to make it work one day in the near future and that we’d get back together…but it was also filled with a lot of hurt as I obviously wanted more than just friendship at the time. So this made me pull back and need space. After about 2 months passed from the day I asked for space, she told me she was dating someone else but she doesn’t see a future in it. She still only sees a future with me. Yet, as of right now, she said she just doesn’t feel the same about me. It was like breaking up with me all over again. It hurt so much. We were both pretty young and immature and we didn’t know how to handle some things maturely. I don’t know what the future holds for us but I really just want to let it go. I’ve thought about all the good times. I’ve even thought about the hard times but that doesn’t help getting over it easier because the bad times made us who we were. I embraced and accepted the relationship; good and bad. We truly wanted forever together…I guess until she didn’t anymore. I’ve been up and down for a while now and even though I acknowledge that I still want to be with her, I really just want to get over it. Fully move on and let go.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted September 6, 2016 4:19 pm 0Likes

      Hi Ramon, it sounds like you know what to do and what’s best for you. It’s just a matter of being patient with yourself and following through with your intentions. Letting go can be challenging, but it’s necessary in order for someone new to come into your life. Stay optimistic and you will find a healthier, happier relationship.

  • Aditya
    Posted September 25, 2016 12:33 am 0Likes

    Hi,
    I have been in a long distance relationship for 8 years and recently I am facing some serious problems in my relationship. It was a pretty healthy relationship. Although she did dump me once in the second year of our relationship for another guy. But we got back together again. Since then everything has been great. Until recently, she started avoiding me. All of a sudden I find her not at all interested in me or towards our relationship. I try to ask her about what is it that I am doing wrong and I only get to hear stuff like she is busy and she has college. I feel so heartbroken now. I don’t even know if she is cheating on me or what. I don’t even know what to do. She was my first love. I know that moving on from her will be pretty difficult for me. I am just hoping that things will become normal one day, but I know it’s a lost cause now. She is not even ready to talk about our relationship. I have never felt so low in my entire life. For a moment I think that I should just break up with her. But then I think, will I ever be able to get up as a person.
    Please help me. I feel so shattered right now.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted September 26, 2016 4:14 pm 0Likes

      Hi Aditya, I’m sorry to hear you are in pain. It’s hard when you don’t know whether to break up or keep trying. The best advice I can give you is that if you’re unhappy with the current situation you’re in, it usually helps to distance yourself, at least for now. Even if you are meant to reconnect down the line, the space apart often helps to clarify things and let you know the right decision to make.

  • Susan
    Posted September 26, 2016 3:06 am 0Likes

    I just wanted to say this article was very helpful. I have a question about my ex. We have been together for 26 years and apart for the past 2 months. We never talked about the end of our relationship until today. He said some very mean things to me that were very painful to hear. I’m not really sure how to deal with what he said because he has become an addict in the past 2 months. Seeing him today was scary-he is no longer himself. I know I can’t help him. He has to want to get help on his own. How do I walk away from this toxic person? I love this man with all my heart but I know I have to walk away. I need to work on myself, but I don’t even know where to start.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted September 26, 2016 12:14 pm 0Likes

      Hi Susan, thank you for sharing this. It sounds like you know what you need to do. It’s definitely not easy, but remember that the hardest part is making the decision to walk away. Then you can follow the five steps in the article–most importantly, the last step (staying optimistic about your love life). Also, you’re absolutely right about taking some time to work on yourself. There’s no set timetable when it comes to healing, but you should be proud of yourself for taking the first step. Good luck!

  • Annie
    Posted September 28, 2016 11:48 pm 0Likes

    I’m sorry for all that you are going through. I feel your pain as I have high and low days. Like Kaitlin said, it’s just part of the mourning process and it does get better. I too didn’t have the closure I deserved. I invested 2.5 years of giving in energy, money, friendship & precious time. I truly never expected anything, other than to be loved, appreciated and validated. When the calls became less, text messages non existent in a time in my life when work and my living situation was difficult; I became co-dependent in hearing from him, as it was validation that I was going to be ok. When I got the “let me think about if you can visit this month because I’m too busy with conferences and call” my heart sank as it’s always been about walking on egg shells. And the “you have always given me so much more than I have ever given you and I have a lot to learn about relationships” and “you are beautiful, smart, independent, strong and funny and you comfort me and have always been there for me, and I will call you in a few days…” And the calls never happened after continuous calls and texts. Needless to say, we all have this feeling in our gut (heart) as its Gods way of directing us. As painful as it is, time will heal and we can use this recovery time to really focus on becoming better individuals and accomplishing something never imaginable. As long as we learn the lessons and ask ourselves why we stay in dysfunctional situations. Comfort? Security? Fantasy? Expectations?! And as hard as it is to not communicate and reach out for me; the more I did and the less and eventual non exsistence on his behalf would have only created hope in my mind when I needed to move forward and learn from the situation. I’m sending love, hope and faith to all those going through a struggle such as myself! I believe in you!

  • JoAnn
    Posted October 15, 2016 2:05 am 1Likes

    I have recently left my husband whom I have loved immensely for 14 years. The hardest thing I have ever done. It took me over ten years to gather the strength to leave him. He has had an affair, but granted it was years ago. He treated me like I was always to obey him, and made me feel used and uncared for on a regular basis. Yet I loved him and always made excuses. But now I have grown tired and can no longer do it. I left a month and a half ago and I am still crying daily. I have decided no more contact will be for the best…and that hurts. It is truly over and I don’t know how to cope.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted October 18, 2016 9:50 am 0Likes

      Hi Joann,
      Thank you for reaching out. First of all, you should be very proud of yourself—what you did was very brave. I know how hard it is to walk away from someone, even when you know it’s the right thing to do. Right now you need to be patient with yourself, it’s normal and healthy to grieve. Remember that making the decision to let go was the hardest part, and you already did that. Now you just have to stay strong and stick to it. When it comes to coping, different things work for everyone. For example, writing and exercise is my therapy. I also try to stay social and surround myself with friends and family so I’m distracted and busy. When I’m alone, my thoughts can be too much to handle. But as time passes, the pain lessens and one day you will wake up and feel okay. Believe you will get there 🙂

  • Alex
    Posted October 16, 2016 3:59 am 0Likes

    Hey,
    I was with someone for about a year. In that time we rushed things a bit and saw each other pretty much every day. But slowly I started to feel negative emotions, anxiety and depression. I tried so hard to hang on, but I broke up with her in the end. And yes those pains were terrible to deal with. It’s been a year and I still think about her everyday even though she was bad for me. I just feel I can’t let go but I want to! I haven’t been with a girl since and the thought of dating freaks me out.
    Especially because I’m scared I will go thorough the anxieties and depression again. Please help.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted October 17, 2016 4:54 pm 0Likes

      Hi Alex,

      It’s a good thing that you recognize you need to move on. Some people are in such a bad place mentally they can’t separate their head from their heart. So in that aspect, you are doing better than you think! I think when you say “dating freaks you out” what you mean is that you’re scared to get hurt again. If you’re not ready, then don’t worry about it. Focus on yourself, do things that make you happy and surround yourself with people who make you feel good. Keeping yourself busy is the key. And when you’re busy enjoying life, you have to believe the right person will come into it. Best of luck!

  • Alex
    Posted October 17, 2016 5:41 pm 0Likes

    thanks Kaitlin, I will try my best ???

  • Joanne
    Posted October 20, 2016 1:14 am 2Likes

    Well it is comforting to read everyone’s stories. I have had a rough week, and been trying to let go of a relationship that technically ended almost 4months ago. Crawled into bed and Googled ” how to let go of someone you love”. We were together 3yrs, and I’m going to be 43yrs old. I thought he was the one, even though the past 2yrs of the relationship have been up and down. Without going into details, it was necessary for me to not be with him…however we both still love each other so much. But it has been almost impossible to let go and to cut the ties. You always have hope. What is making it extremely difficult is that we work together. I see him every day unless we have opposite days off. Any suggestions please?? It’s the hardest thing ever. I’ve considered a different hospital, but it’s a great job, wonderful docs, and I’m 5 minutes from work. I feel I’d be sooooo much farther along without this situation. People say not to leave, it takes time. I’m over trying to get over it. I want to be able to walk past him without thinking about his arms around me, or giving each other the sweet smiles we used to. I almost wish we did hate each other, because being in love with a man you know isn’t right for you is too painful and frustrating.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted October 25, 2016 9:55 am 1Likes

      That definitely makes it harder since you work together, but I would suggest to keep reminding yourself the reasons why you aren’t together. It helps. When I broke up with my boyfriend, I was still very much in love with him. It was only when I believed we were supposed to end that I was able to move on. And that didn’t happen overnight. I’m a hopeless romantic at heart, and it took a long time for logic to overtake my strong emotions, but if I can do it, so can you. Stay strong!

    • Karen McLaughlin
      Posted September 5, 2018 7:50 am 0Likes

      Joanne, I read this and its my story. I am 43 on Saturday we have been split up now for 5 months we got back together for a few weeks but he kept saying he wanted space and wanted me to leave him alone for a couple of weeks for him to miss me. Obviously I didint do this and now we have ended for good. He even has a new flat. Hes nasty on the phone to me as I keep messaging him and phoning him even on a night out I was sending him pictures of me having fun and now I have pushed him too far and now he wants nothing to do with me. He still owes me money but trying to get it off him is a nightmare.

    • Karen McLaughlin
      Posted September 5, 2018 7:51 am 0Likes

      The pain in my chest and my stomach is sometimes so overwhelming I cant breathe. It feels like I am being punched in the gut all day every day, I just wish this was over and have even contemplated suicide but my sister would kill me lol. I was just hoping you would maybe see this and tell me how you are getting on and if the pain is worth it in the end. I hope you are well and you have moved on. Karen xxx

  • Angie
    Posted November 7, 2016 8:53 am 0Likes

    How do you let go of a guy that you are truly in love with and your ex best friend took him away from you? They have been dating a year and a half.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted November 7, 2016 3:02 pm 0Likes

      Hi Angie, I’m deeply sorry you had to go through this. Letting go is hard enough, but dealing with betrayal on top of everything is even harder. You have to believe that someone who would do this to you was never worth having in your life. In cases where the breakup ended badly (i.e. cheating) it is actually a blessing in disguise because when you feel anger, you can use it to propel you forward and you can move through the pain faster. One day you will look back at this and be thankful it happened, because you will be with a man worthy of your love. Hang in there and believe you will get through this.

  • Rose
    Posted November 23, 2016 6:28 pm 0Likes

    I have had to end a relationship with someone I truly love and it has broken my heart so bad,I really don’t think I will get over this.It was a 5 year relationship and I feel I had no choice but to end it because of toxic situations.Even though I know this is the right thing it has me cut up inside..the sadness is so overwhelming and my heart aches so much when I think of him,everything reminds me of him,even when I try busy myself my thoughts are constantly on him and how much this is hurting us both..I’m fighting back tears throughout the day,how can the right thing to do hurt so bad??

    • Rose Caiola
      Posted November 27, 2016 1:14 pm 2Likes

      Time heals all wounds–it’s true, it does. Letting go is a process, take things one day at a time and allow yourself to grieve. Things will get easier with time. Xo

  • Dave
    Posted November 28, 2016 2:39 pm 0Likes

    I am having a hard time letting go. I realize she’s moved on and it’s over. What hurts so bad is that she could move on so easy and I’m feeling like I’ve lost everything. I’m working on letting go. I know there’s no going back. What’s done is done. I just can’t imagine her with anyone else.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted November 28, 2016 4:09 pm 0Likes

      Hi Dave, it’s a very good sign that you accept it’s over. That is a hard step for many people, but holding on only prolongs the pain. In terms of imagining her with someone else, I would suggest reframing your perspective. When those thoughts come in your mind, start reminding yourself about the reasons why you aren’t together. It really does help. Time will also give you clarity.

  • Amanda
    Posted November 30, 2016 12:17 pm 1Likes

    To Kaitlin , thanks for responding to mostly everyone for so long. It’s a real personal touch. I dated a guy I met for 3 months. We first met in 2014 at a party. Disconnected, then met again in 2016, through a friend and started dating. We broke up recently because of a lot of factors. Mainly we just have different goals. I want to get married he doesn’t as well as religious differences and We both realize if we stayed together we would be happy for a little while but eventually there would just be pain. However, we both felt we were perfect for each other personality wise and we complemented each other and made each other very happy. We both are having a hard time moving on (he’s told me so) but I’ve been doing a little better. However, whenever I even think of being with someone else, I feel like I’m betraying him and our love. I recently had a dream that he moved on with another woman and I lost my mind and attempted suicide. But in my dream I had the thought ” a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. I woke up in tears. This was my subconscious forcing me to deal with the very real near future that he will move on. This dream was necessary but the pain hurts and it’s tough to move on when I feel I should but I feel something saying don’t move on.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted November 30, 2016 5:11 pm 1Likes

      Hi Amanda, Thanks for the kind words, that really means a lot. It’s pretty ironic that you wrote this question to me today because I am actually going through the same exact thing (dating someone from a different religious background). We are going through the same struggles…asking ourselves: “Do we break up now because there are so many obstacles ahead of us?” It’s especially hard because you are both so compatible and in love. And you would be breaking up because of things beyond your control. Now, in your case, the other issue here is marriage. You have to ask yourself if that’s a deal breaker or not. Because if that’s something you really want, that’s something else to consider.

      As a romantic, I would love to tell you “Love conquers all, and you will figure it out” but the truth is that there are no guarantees in life–of course, there’s a chance you two can compromise and make it work, but on the other hand, it may be too much to handle. That’s something you and him need to decide. But the bottom line is that you both need to be on the same page. Keep in mind you also also want a guy who is open to compromise. When you talk about everything, does he seem willing to work with you? In order to be successful long term, you two have to be a team, and understand that you both will have to make sacrifices.

      Since you both are having a tough time moving on, it could be a sign to try again or at least have another conversation. Good luck and keep me posted! xoxo

      • Amanda
        Posted December 23, 2016 12:40 pm 0Likes

        Hi Kaitlin, I haven’t heard from my ex despite the numerous texts I’ve sent him. Which is a sign he’s moved on. I’m both happy and sad for that. I want him to be happy though. So I’ve decided to move on as well. If we are meant to be ,God or life will make it happen. I’m young and have too many things to do. I just got my passport and a new job offer in my dream city ,so I can’t let this hold me back. Thanks again!

        • Kaitlin Vogel
          Posted December 24, 2016 1:51 pm 0Likes

          Hi Amanda,

          It sounds like you are in a much better place and I’m happy for you. Congratulations on the new job, thats so exciting! A fresh start is exactly what you need. Wishing you all the best!

  • Chris
    Posted December 8, 2016 8:42 am 1Likes

    I’ve come to a bit of a cross roads in my grief right now. I was with my ex for a year, he was the first person I’ve ever loved & ever had a sexual relationship with, to me he was the best thing that had ever happened to my life, it was a whole new kind of happiness. We broke up because, long story short, he was emotionally unavailable and I am extremely sensitive, emotional, a deep thinker, and also I found out that I’m incredibly vulnerable in love…something he couldn’t handle. When we broke up I went through three months of agony, panic attacks, anxiety every day, crying every day, total despair and helplessness and even now nearly four months after he is in my mind all day every day…just his face there all day long. But recently I am finding that I can’t cry as easily as I used to….I think I’ve become addicted to my own sadness. It’s like, if I keep crying, he’s still with me….grief is my comfort zone, if I’m grieving him and remembering him he’s still with me, we’re together in some way. It’s a weird feeling wanting to move on and be happy, but also not wanting to let him go and be alone in the world. The next chapter is petrifying – I’m starting to realise there’s a difference between working through the pain of a break up and actually letting someone go mentally. I find myself making myself cry and started to purposefully remember good times just to evoke sadness, because without the sadness I’m just numb and scared of the next part. How do I move past this stage? Letting him go is killing me. I’ve been so good at no contact and deleting every trace of him from my life. I often wonder if he thinks I’m finding this easy or if he has an idea that I am in agony every day constantly missing him. I miss him so much the weight hangs on my heart every day and in my dreams, but I don’t want to be back in that toxic relationship.I’m finding the conflicting emotions so hard to understand. I so want to move on, but I evidently in my heart so don’t want to move on. I’m in turmoil 🙁 I just want the pain to go away in my head and my heart, I want to feel peace again. I know he’s not perfect, he’s not even great, he wasn’t good enough for me and I know logically one day I’ll have someone that makes me feel secure in a relationship and doesn’t cause me constant anxiety. But I still love him so much, I wish I didn’t 🙁 I just want some advice from people that have survived this and found happiness and peace again, I feel so fragile and sensitive and my mind has been completely occupied by him for months. Are these normal emotions and will I get over this?

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted December 8, 2016 12:03 pm 1Likes

      Hi Chris, I’m sensitive and emotional too so you’re not alone there 🙂 Being vulnerable in love is inevitable because you can’t truly fall in love without making yourself vulnerable. So don’t let yourself believe that there’s something wrong with that. I do know the pain you’re going through, and it’s completely normal to be grieving right now. Everyone grieves differently, so try to be patient with yourself. The guy I wrote about in the article made me feel exactly the way you described–“helpless” is the perfect word actually. Looking back on everything now, I realized that I spent so long grieving because I gave away such a big piece of myself in that relationship. I hated who I became. I took everything way too personally and put way too much blame on myself. I spent a long time picking up the pieces and repairing the emotional damage he caused me, but the good news is that I will never let that happen to me again. I know it sounds crazy but I am SO grateful that it happened because sometimes you have to go through something that painful to get a wake up call. I am a stronger person now and in the best relationship of my life. I know how I deserve to be treated and don’t waste time on guys like my ex who made me feel bad about myself. You will find someone who will make you look back at this guy and be grateful you walked away. And you will know it’s the right guy when you love who you are around him and he makes you a better version of yourself. Stay strong because this is the hardest part. And while you are healing, surround yourself with the people who love you. It really does help.

  • Andrea
    Posted January 19, 2017 1:51 pm 3Likes

    Hi Kaitlin,
    I read your article in hopes that I can find a way to let go. It’s not even that I want to keep holding on. I want the pain to go away. The thing that makes it hard is that I felt completely myself with this person. I felt a comfort that I had never felt with anyone else. I felt that I had met the person I was meant to be with. I had been in a previous relationship for 5 years and I never felt the connect in that relationship as I did in my most recent one. So you can imagine the pain when the break up came unexpectedly. I cried everyday for months. I prayed for a sign that we were meant to be. I always held on to hope that maybe he just needed some space and we would be back together again. I didn’t and wasn’t ready to let go of someone I was able to be completely myself around for the first time. I even started seein a therapist, and searching the internet for articles on how to move on. I deleted all social media and even moved 6 hours away in hopes to heal myself. It’s been a little over a year now since the break up and I still find myself in great pain. I don’t cry everyday like I used to but when I do, it’s a waterfall. It pains me that the hurt I feel today is still just as much as day one. I really want to be ok because I doubt he misses me as much as I miss him. He’s in a new relationship now and when I found out, I was heartbroken all over again because a small part of me still held on to hope that we would eventually work things out. To be honest that small hope is still there even after knowing what I know. Please help me let him go because it’s been over a year and I still feel so much hurt.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted January 19, 2017 5:47 pm 1Likes

      Hi Andrea,
      Your feelings are completely understandable and relatable. The truth is that I wasn’t able to let go of my ex (the one this article was written about) for about a year also. Everything you described I experienced myself. The truth is that I was only able to heal when I fully believed I wasn’t meant to be with him. It’s only when you truly believe you are better off without him, that you will start to heal. Because it doesn’t matter how many times your friends and family say he wasn’t right for you; ultimately, *you* have to recognize that. The best advice I can give you is this: Think about how badly he made you feel. That in itself, is a sign he wasn’t the one for you. You deserve to be with a guy who brings out the best in you. A guy who makes you feel happy, loved, and supported. That guy is out there. You just have to open yourself up to meet him. And healing takes time, so be patient with yourself. You are on the right track. Hang in there, and keep me updated.

  • Linda
    Posted January 31, 2017 1:38 pm 0Likes

    Wow – this article and the comments are so awakening to me. I’m madly in love with a man and the thought of him not in my life anymore kills me. My heart is breaking, and has been breaking. He has many personal issues in his life and is bi-polar on top of it. I, being a person who wants to “fix” everything, came to realize that I can’t. I have learned his depressive episodes have nothing to do with me, and when I forced myself into them, it was a horrible scary mess. Now, 7 months later in to this relationship, I know the inevitable. I can’t force him to not shut me out and maybe I love him so much, too much, that I don’t see that it may be smothering him. I know he is “crazy” about me and says pretty much everything except the word “love”. I know he has strong feelings for me and even talks about us having a future together, but this is during the happy manic times. This is frightening to me, but knowing the best thing for me and my heart will be to let go. My heart screams NO, but my head knows the truth. I have started counseling to help with this, but I even tell my therapist that I am not ready to let go. She doesn’t understand that because she knows it is in my best interest. I’m 52, divorced, and I do want a future with one man, married or not. I truly felt he was it for me. Now I have to convince myself my heart is wrong and I’m only hurting myself. Honestly, letting go of this relationship actually hurts worse than when my marriage ended. He is older and I wanted to be the one with him through his later years in this life. This will not be an easy thing for me.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted February 1, 2017 12:22 pm 0Likes

      Hi Linda,

      So glad you found the article helpful! I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. It’s common for women to be drawn to the men they need to “fix” because most women are instinctually very nurturing (so you are definitely not alone there). It sounds like you know what you need to do, even though you know it’s going to be extremely hard. Letting go is definitely a process, and there is no timeframe for healing. So don’t be so hard on yourself that you can’t let go in this moment. You are clear on what you want, which is great. Also, it’s wonderful that you are getting help and talking to a therapist. Talking about your feelings can give you more clarity and hopefully in time, you will come to a place of acceptance. Trust me, I know letting go is scary. But by walking away from someone who is bad for you, you’re opening the door to meet new people and have new experiences. And if you aren’t ready to do that right now, it’s okay. We all heal at our own pace. Stay strong and you’ll get there. Good luck!

  • Tash
    Posted February 9, 2017 7:01 pm 0Likes

    I have definitely been having a hard time letting my ex go. We had been dating for 3 years, even though he broke up with me 3 times (now 4) during those 3 years. We got back together every time. But this time has been different, this time he says he has fallen out of love with me and says he’s lost himself and needs to find himself again. Everyone I talk so says it’s for the best because it was a toxic relationship, and he didn’t treat me right. But despite all that, I still loved him, and still do. Before this last time he broke up with me though, he said he wanted to marry me and took me to look at rings. Then a couple of weeks later he breaks up with me. I feel like he’s messed with my head and heart so much and it’s making me crazy. I keep imagining and hoping that he’ll come back, and I keep wondering, if he really loved me like he said he did, how could he have fallen out of love with me so quickly? Makes me wonder if he ever really did love me. I feel like I’m going crazy. It’s been 3 weeks, but I still cry every day. It’s hard imagining that I’m gonna have to really let him go this time. Almost everyone I know is married and/or has kids. I just feel so alone and lost.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted February 10, 2017 5:11 pm 0Likes

      Hi Tash,

      I understand why you’re confused. There was a lot of back and forth going on, so I can only imagine how emotionally draining it was for you. And don’t worry, you’re not going crazy. Love is powerful. It makes us feel and do things we wouldn’t normally do, and sometimes stay in relationships longer than we should. In terms of how upset you’re feeling now, be patient with yourself. Considering how long you dated him, it’s understandable that you are still in pain. The truth is there’s no quick fix when it comes to heartbreak, but the more you push yourself in new directions every day, the more clarity you will get and the faster you will heal. Letting go may seem scary at first, but as time passes, you will feel like a huge weight is being lifted off your shoulders.

      The key to increasing happiness, according to the research, is learning to appreciate what you have. Grateful people have higher self-esteem, cope better with difficult situations, are less stressed, and are more satisfied overall. Gratitude helps keep things in perspective when we’re going through a challenging time. I think this meditation is a great place to start. (https://www.rewireme.com/happiness/practice-attitude-gratitude-attract-want/)

  • Andrea
    Posted April 5, 2017 12:14 am 0Likes

    I’m having a hard time letting go. My boyfriend always tells me he is done with me. He’s tired of arguing. But I didn’t do anything wrong. This morning he texted me saying “When are you going to get tired of me? because he knows I love him so much. I told him if he wants to end this he can but I’m not going to give up on the relationship. But right now I’m thinking of letting go of him. Please help me. Should I tell him that I’m done? Or should I wait for him to tell me? I love him so much. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted May 31, 2017 12:15 pm 0Likes

      Hi Andrea,

      When you’re in love with someone, it’s hard to make a decision because emotions tend to cloud your judgement. Trust me, I’ve been there. When I’m unsure whether to stay in a relationship or walk away, I ask myself these two questions: “Do I like who I am when I’m with him? Am I happy more often than unhappy?” When you’re in a healthy relationship, it brings out the best version of yourself. You feel safe, secure and happy around him. If you’re having doubts and your intuition is telling you something is off, listen to it. It’s usually right on. Even if you decide to walk away for the time being, it will give you clarity on the situation. Space really does help.

  • Hazel
    Posted May 6, 2017 8:07 am 0Likes

    Hi Ms Kaitlin,
    I just broke up with my ex after 5 years, Ive been doing so well for the first few days maybe because I was busy with work so I felt I was numb during that time. However, today was the hardest as I reflected the things that happened leading to our breakup. He would always convince me to start a family. We are both 27 and he thinks he’s now ready for a child, but I told him I too would love having a family but he needs to that I want to get married first. I thought he wanted to propose since he would always tell me that I’m the one and that he’ll never find a girl like me. He also asked me if I wanted a ring but he pointed out that he is not the traditional guy who would propose. I asked him why commit to having a family but not to marriage. He told me he’s not ready yet. I have this feeling that he’s just stringing me along and I’m very confused on where the relationship is going. He is pressuring me to make a baby and that we should see a fertility doctor and this was a deal breaker for me because I feel that he’s not considering my feelings after all.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted May 30, 2017 4:42 pm 0Likes

      Hi Hazel,

      You should be very proud of yourself for how you handled this situation. I love your question “why commit to having a family, but not to marriage?” You completely nailed it. You don’t even need my advice! To elaborate on your point though, you communicated your standards and he didn’t respect them. Now, you can walk away with no regrets and your held held high because you know you were true to yourself. The real reason so many people feel devastated when a relationship ends is not because they actually miss the other person, but because they gave away so much of themselves in that relationship. You know you want marriage and made the brave (not easy) decision to leave him. Remember, strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go. And most importantly, when you feel sad or start missing him, remember you are stronger than the pain. Believe you will get through it and be happy again.

  • Moly
    Posted June 6, 2017 9:43 am 0Likes

    My guy was great. He desperately pursued me while I was going through a painful marriage that thankfully ended in divorce. I hit emotional rock bottom. I wasn’t able to think straight. This guy just kept pursuing me. But he was so caring and I fell for him. The relationship was super great till I dropped the question. He would say things like “love you”, “you are absolutely perfect for me” and like a fool, I created a false dream. Then one day he dropped a bomb, his parents found a match for him, he couldn’t do anything about it, and got married happily. He said he felt bad for hurting me, but I feel like all he wanted was the physical part from me. I’m devastated. He was so clever. What I am unable to get over is the feeling of being used. I haven’t been able to get peace and move on. Please me get out of this pain.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted June 6, 2017 2:50 pm 0Likes

      Hi Moly,

      I suggest reframing your perspective to get turned off by him. This relates to number 4 in the article “Don’t relieve all the happy memories.” Instead of thinking back on all the good times and memories, focus on why he’s not a good fit for you. The guy you should want to be with long term will respect you enough to give you the commitment you deserve. Not someone like this guy who is dishonest and disrespectful. Right now what you are feeling is the pain from being mistreated (which is completely understandable). As time passes, you will see the situation with more clarity and be RELIEVED it didn’t work out. And remember that this is the hardest part, and if you are committed to moving on, each day will get easier. Good luck!

      • Ana
        Posted June 26, 2017 8:18 am 0Likes

        Hi. Many times it sucks and hurts like hell. But people’s feelings change. You cannot control that.

        I’m really hurting after a pseudorelationship of almost two years, in which I constantly told myself to end it. never managed. Now he is the one who ended it.

        However you have to keep in mind that now you are one step closer to find someone good for you. It is clear he was not the one!

        • Kaitlin Vogel
          Posted June 26, 2017 12:46 pm 0Likes

          Exactly! Just keep reminding yourself of the big picture. Even though you are hurting now, you are now closer to finding happiness than when you were stuck in an unhealthy relationship.

          • Ana
            Posted June 27, 2017 1:48 pm 0Likes

            Indeed it is helpful being able to share your pain with people that had to overcome the same grief…

            Many thanks for your article, Kaitlin. I was wondering how is your heart now. Managed to leave him behind you? Did you fall in love again?

            Hope there is all good news from your side. 🙂

          • Kaitlin Vogel
            Posted June 28, 2017 10:14 am 0Likes

            I’m so glad you liked it Ana, that means a lot 🙂 I am happy to say that I have fallen in love (twice actually) since this article was written. It’s great looking back to see how far I’ve come since I wrote this–I can still remember how terrible it was to go through it. But I came out on the other side, as will you! xoxo

  • Nsullah Wincate
    Posted September 29, 2017 6:32 am 0Likes

    This is helpful. I am strong because I have to be. I can’t believe that this is happening. How am I going to live without loving you?

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted September 29, 2017 9:39 am 0Likes

      Hi Nsullah,

      Remember that now is the hardest part, but every day will get a little easier. Time really does help. Just have faith, stay strong and believe you will find love again.

  • lorie
    Posted October 2, 2017 7:26 am 0Likes

    Thanks for this article. Now I realize that I really need to let go the one I love. He is getting married very soon to another woman but because of this article I know now how to move on. This is really helpful.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted October 2, 2017 9:35 am 2Likes

      Hi Lorie,

      Thank you for saying that, it means so much to me. That’s why I wrote it…I wanted to help people going through the same thing because it really was one of the hardest times of my life. Hang in there and believe you will get through it too.

  • Tony Rebel
    Posted October 8, 2017 11:13 am 0Likes

    ❤️this

  • Debbie
    Posted October 13, 2017 6:27 am 0Likes

    I need some guidance. I have been in a two year relationship with a coworker who is everything I have ever wanted and everything I have ever needed all in one. He had a long history of coworker relationships that have resulted in three pretty bad marriages. We have worked together for ten years and been together for two. I know I need to stop this madness but I can’t. Changing jobs is not an option.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted October 13, 2017 1:03 pm 0Likes

      Hi Debbie,

      Your concerns are completely valid. If someone has a history of a certain behavior, it’s only natural to assume that pattern will continue. However, if you two get along really well and make each other happy, I wouldn’t end it just because of what might happen in the future. In this case, I would say be cautiously optimistic. If you feel the dynamic shift between you and him, then I would have a heart-to-heart conversation about where the relationship is headed and what to do going forward. Good luck!

  • Hunter
    Posted December 14, 2017 9:51 am 0Likes

    I would never thought about posting on a site like this, I have even paid money to see someone, because I thought something was wrong with me, Letting go is so hard when you thought she was the one. I knew her and we dated in high school, she broke up with me then, she got married to someone else, after 8yrs she came back, we were dating for almost a year, then out of the blue she wanted me gone again, I gave her everything I could, did everything I could, and always put her first, and now this…It’s so hard when you thought everything was going good, you were happy, you thought she was happy, then bam….gone…left in the cold, heartbroken still wishing there was a chance…And have not heard anything from her, not a reason, what I did wrong…I just wish I knew why like maybe it would help me move on…

    • Victoria Rotante
      Posted December 14, 2017 12:39 pm 0Likes

      Hi Hunter,

      Remain optimistic and have faith you will find love again.

      While you may have loved her greatly, it sounds like (for your comment) that she may be inconsistent and/or afraid of commitment. That’s a tough trait to break, and one that can leave a person “unsteady” in a relationship. Stay focused on what you really need in a person and relationship and you will ultimately find a healthier and more stable love.

  • Anita
    Posted January 13, 2018 6:54 am 0Likes

    Thanks to ___dr.mack201@gmail. com for bringing my ex lover back,

  • Jehu
    Posted January 16, 2018 12:00 am 0Likes

    Idk why I can’t I love her she was my 💓 my best friend

  • Hase
    Posted March 7, 2018 9:17 am 0Likes

    My wife deserve some one better im going to leave but its so so hard just trying to find the. Strength, we got 5 great kids that i love so much its just sad but i got to do whats best for us both and just leave

  • Pride ganson
    Posted March 19, 2018 10:21 am 0Likes

    Yeah its hard but I struck hearted find out that aftershe was cheating whole time with our relationship and kills me that I did it all

  • A Lost Soul
    Posted March 19, 2018 11:59 pm 0Likes

    How do you let go of someone who loves you, and you love them, but they won’t make a commitment because they believe that they only get one chance at forever, and they were already married once……They tell you to go find what you’re looking for, because they love you and want you to be happy. I wish they would tell me they didn’t love me anymore, because then I would have something to wrap my head around. A reason it is over.

  • London
    Posted April 9, 2018 10:58 am 0Likes

    Thank you so much for all the stories . Thanks to the writer of this article you are right in everything you said.
    I have been inlove with a man since 2009, we met and our attraction was magnetic.
    In fact, the night I met him I had just had a break up and told my then friend that I wanted a brand new toy .
    I wasn’t looking for love but I fell inlove with my new boyfriend.
    We were together for about 6 months then he migrated to another country. Abruptly things ended. Distance never changed my heart.
    We lost contact via phone but would have infrequent convos on Facebook.
    7 years later I was single, I asked about him got his number and we started off again.
    Very very difficult relationship, in the words of Eminem, it was like a volcano meets a tornado man.

  • London
    Posted April 9, 2018 10:59 am 0Likes

    I tried leaving him several times. I prayed and asked God to give me a sign he revealed my mama cheating to me infront of us both .
    I’m still holding on because of the few good memories. I’m half way there just the residues keep resurfacing

  • Karen
    Posted June 2, 2018 11:04 am 0Likes

    Im a mess. I have been in a relationship for 6 years. 5 of the 6 we have lived together. Xmas he proposed to me. He has been depressed for awhile about his employment . I have a son with a mental illness and this has put a lot of strain on things.I have tried my best to support him while trying to come to grips with my son moving to his dad’s after being with me for the last 12 years. My ex just got up the other morning and said I’m leaving. He has told me there is no one else. It feels like I am experiencing 2 deaths at once. My ex and my son. He says he still loves me but he has the problem.He said he doesn’t know what he wants. He said he broke up with me because he didnt want to keep hurting me.. I am finding it extremely difficult to cut completely off from him and I ring and text. Its only been a week. He My ex is a lot younger than me and at 55 I feel I will be own my own forever. I have great supportive friends but the loneliness is killing me.

  • Walter
    Posted June 11, 2018 5:23 pm 0Likes

    I am trying my very best to let go, I have given her so many chances and i have given all the love that i know how
    to give. But i know deep down inside that she in not the one for me. I find myself mentally being drained. She has a drinking problem, which she can not stop.

  • Sherrie
    Posted June 19, 2018 12:19 pm 0Likes

    I and my lover are back together after 4 years of separation

  • Ivan
    Posted June 27, 2018 6:21 pm 0Likes

    I love her more then I love myself, more then I love life. I just can’t let go. I did last year, during the summer and it was scary, but after some time and a whole bunch of new girls I met, I was more and more sad without her. So I cracked and started to contact her, and one day I finally went to her house where I cried for hours, and out of compassion she probably thought its ok to see each other again. After couple of weeks we were back toegether and when she moved to a new flat, I came more often, I slept with her 80% of the time, I practically moved in. I loved her more and more each day, and I thought this was it. I started thinking about marrige, about kids and all that stuff I didn’t thought about before, and we had plans toegether. But then, she left to work for the summer, we broke apart.

  • Ivan
    Posted June 27, 2018 6:26 pm 0Likes

    I heard from her everyday, but gradually she wouldn’t text me, call me, reply my messages and so on. I got pissed at that so I was a little harsh, little I could know she was just waiting for that. My God, I love her so much, the more you love them the more they hurt you. Its been maybe a month now and I think about her every minute of every day and I’m sorry, but all this self-help sheate does not work at all. I am becoming suicidal and I really, but really, I know how dumb it sounds, but I really don’t want to live without her. So please if someone could read this, please tell her I love her more than I love life, and she has become practically my sole reason to live.

  • Ivan
    Posted June 27, 2018 6:27 pm 0Likes

    So please if someone could read this, please tell her I love her more than I love life, and she has become practically my sole reason to live. I am Ivan, her name is Vanessa and her phone number is xxx. Her ig is: xxx. I can’t live without her, please help me if you can and don’t say I can because I can’t. Thank you, I will love her and hope for the best as long as I live. Please, help if you can.

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