5 Signs It’s Love, Not Lust

When I’m out with a guy, there are a ton of thoughts flying through my head at once. Depending on whether or not I’m interested, they vary from “How am I going to be as ladylike as possible while eating these wings?” to “The ‘Bachelorette’ finale is tonight; I wonder who she’ll choose.” In the second example, I’ve clearly been planning my exit strategy since the night began. In the first example, however, chances are I care what my date thinks and want to make a great impression. When I like a guy, he knows it. The signs are obvious: I laugh at his jokes, playfully touch his hand, and turn on the charm to seal the deal.

But do any of these signs mean I want a relationship with him? Not necessarily.

The reverse is also true. It can be just as difficult for me to tell what my date’s true intentions are. Does he see me as relationship material? Or is he just looking to have fun?

To navigate these tricky waters of love and lust, I turned to research—and found that science tells us quite a bit about the difference between the two. Here are five signs you can watch for to get a better idea of what your date is really looking for:

1. He gazes into your eyes.

According to new research from the University of Chicago, eye movement may reveal whether a person is feeling romantic love or sexual desire. In the study, participants were asked to concentrate on a stranger’s face to test visual patterns and analyze the difference between love and lust. Interestingly, researchers found that viewers who saw the person as a potential romantic partner fixated more on the face, whereas those who were feeling lust focused more on the body. This was true for both males and females. 

So if he’s looking directly into your eyes, you can keep fantasizing about your wedding and future kids’ names. But if he’s looking everywhere else, you’re better off getting the check.

2. She shows affection—even when it isn’t leading to sex.

If the person you’re seeing touches you often without initiating sex, it’s very likely he or she is smitten. When you’re truly in love with someone, having sex isn’t the only way to maintain closeness. You share a connection that goes beyond lust and can experience emotional intimacy by holding hands or cuddling. “Loving touch focuses more on a healthy connection and a need to express true affection,” says therapist and life coach, Mila Mapp. “It can be expressed privately or publicly in a way that is gentle, appropriate, and warm.  Loving touch respects boundaries and creates a level of comfort and pleasure for both parties.”

 

3. He wants to introduce you to his family and friends.

When you meet the people your date cares about most in the world, it’s a surefire check in the love column. It’s a sign that you’re an important person in his life and more than just a casual fling.

“Don’t wait for him to invite you to meet his parents. Take the bull by the horns and do it first!” advises Larry Wilson, founder and CEO of oppositesconnect.com. His suggestion? Invite him to a family party so you two won’t be the center of attention. “This way, after brief introductions are made, Mom and Dad will be busy entertaining and you two won’t be the main focus of attention. Then when the four of you have a more intimate meeting, there will be a familiarity between you all that will make everyone more relaxed.”

4. She talks about the future, and you’re in it.

Does she make plans for next month or next year that include you? If you notice that “we” is starting to replace “I,” that’s a strong indicator that she plans on sticking around.

“Partners who are committed to one another are comfortable talking and fantasizing about the future—next weekend, holiday season, or year,” says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship. “It doesn’t guarantee a future to imagine what life could be like together five or ten years from now, but the absence of any such hopeful plans is not a good sign.”

5. You have deep conversations outside the bedroom.

Does he ask you questions about yourself and your life? Does she show interest in things you care about? When someone likes you, he can’t get enough and is always eager to learn more. On the other hand, someone who is purely interested in a physical connection won’t invest the time or energy in sharing personal details.

“Conversations within loving relationships are more exploratory, displaying a sense of  curiosity and care,” says Mapp. “The couple wants to know more about each other—their families, childhood, careers, hopes and dreams, personal philosophies, and quirks.” Lustful relationships rely almost exclusively on flirtation, innuendo, or blatant requests for sex, she explains. These interactions create sexual foreplay at the expense of learning more about each other.

As romance novelist Danielle Steel once said, “Lust is temporary, romance can be nice, but love is the most important thing of all. Because without love, lust and romance will always be short-lived.” It can sometimes be hard to tell in the beginning stages of a relationship whether you’re headed for a long-term commitment or a one-night stand. In my experience, I can tell it’s real if he pays attention to the details—like remembering my favorite snack is popcorn or where my secret ticklish spot is. But sometimes the way he looks at me when he thinks I’m not looking is how I know he’s more than just a fling.

Do you think these signs accurately predict whether it’s love or lust? Do you have your own ways to tell if it’s lust or love? Tell us in the comments!

Click here to see Rose’s tips for healthy and happy relationships

Explore More

71 Comments

  • lesily
    Posted March 9, 2015 6:27 pm 2Likes

    I love him, but I get that feeling like he is doing something that will make me very upset. The feeling is disappointment & non-forgiving. Im sure what to do about this. He gets upset when a certain name comes up or If I say her name around him. I tried talking about it to him how It makes me feel, he wont budge a bit.

    • Tina
      Posted May 3, 2015 8:49 pm 0Likes

      Hi Lesily, you didn’t include a reason for your mistrust, or the basis for your concern – ( other than mentioning a woman’s name and his irritation) .But could you give an explanation about what you feel your partner’s done to make you feel insecure?
      Sometimes communication can break down because the partner feels they’re being unfairly doubted, or mistrusted as well. And not because they’ve done anything wrong, but because insecurities came between them .. I’m not saying this is the case, but just a thought! Hope everything works out. 🙂

  • Sam Mathews
    Posted May 10, 2015 3:44 pm 0Likes

    Hi! I’m 26 and there’s a women at work who I’m lusting over. It is not my intention to feel this way but it’s been at least 6 months and I can’t get her out of my head. She has a boyfriend who she’s considering moving in with and I would never have an affair as I’m not that kind of guy, but these feelings are not going away as I work in quite close proximity to her. Could you possibly give me some advice as I don’t really know what to do?

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted May 13, 2015 11:06 am 0Likes

      Sam, I think it’s great that you’re conscientious about your feelings and viewing this situation as a potential problem. The best advice I can give is that while you can’t control the situation, you can control how you think about it or act on it. It seems like you have already given this a great deal of thought and intuitively know what you need to do. But if you still would like guidance, seek it out from a relationship expert or two. You could start with a book like “Are We Wired for Love?” by Stan Tatkin or get connected to Matthew Hussey. Talking about your situation with a counselor, etc., is always an option, too.

  • DA
    Posted August 7, 2015 4:05 am 0Likes

    Me and my ex got back in contact after a 4 year break up & we were together for 5 years. After 6 months if rekindling we’ve broken up 3 times already & there’s been other women. I know he’s not good for me but I still havs never felt so strong of love for anyone every since I meet him. I’m so confused on what to do. Fight harder or leave?

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted September 3, 2015 10:30 am 1Likes

      DA, I’m sorry to hear that. It’s hard to let go of someone you love. This is your relationship, so you need to do what you feel is right. Nobody can make this decision but you. Wishing you love and support in the future!

  • Rose Caiola
    Posted August 24, 2015 11:56 am 1Likes

    Navigating the waters of love versus lust is certainly something we can all relate to at one point in our lives. When it comes to relationships, sometimes we see what we want to see instead of being realistic.

  • Neha Singh
    Posted October 14, 2015 4:26 am 0Likes

    Hi ! I am 22 and I like your blog and your opinions regarding the difference in making out between lust and love. But I am still confused for my relationship status. We had 2 and half years relationship. I was sure that he is not very emotional and doesn’t care how I look because he is tall and I have small height. We had some expectations about out future although. After he had own profressional problems regarding unemployment, he suddenly changed and confess to me to stay away but still know he wants me as for lust may be. Talking about lust, he was completely honest with me about his flirty nature at relationship time and his sexual desire for what he wants, I thought he may be frustrated and needs me in this way. Soon after 4 or 5 months, I was feeling being used and after we share intimate moments, he still stares onto my eyes, we do cuddle and share some feelings but not interested in future plans. Something is getting mix within love and lust. Please help.

    • Gianna Caiola
      Posted October 27, 2015 10:44 am 0Likes

      Hi Neha,
      Relationships can be filled with confusion and sometimes the road isn’t always as clear as we want it to be. Here are two other articles that may help you in discovering where you and your boyfriend fit in: Decoding The Male Language and Talking To People Who Trigger Issues. If you feel unsafe in your relationship in any way, please call the Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

      Much Love,
      Rewire Me Staff

  • Emily
    Posted October 15, 2015 1:33 pm 0Likes

    Hi ! I need a little help out there. We had 2 and half years relationship. I was pretty sure that he doesn’t care about my look to whole world, because he is tall and I have a small height. He is not very emotional, is very extrovert and honest but still though I know about his flirty nature with others. We didn’t discuss much of future plans at that time. But soon, after he had some professional problems regarding unemployment, he changed and suggest me to stay away and tells me about like I would be now his sexual desire only. It was like ‘our love relationship turn into type of lust’. I thought he is frustrated and needs me in this way. After we share some intimate moments, he looks into my eyes, cuddle with me, play with each other, make jokes on each other and sometime share some feelings. But I didn’t find him interested in any future plan discussion and tells me he ain’t will get serious for me. After few months, it was like I am being one sided and used. I know he isn’t getting serious for any other girl too, so there may be no chance that he has second girlfriend. This is sort of something mix between love and lust. And till now, we both are unable to move on. Should I wait for him when finally feel settled ?

  • Linda Williams
    Posted October 15, 2015 3:26 pm 3Likes

    Hi! I am 18 yrs old and in a love with a guy whom I never met personally by seeing his love for me although I am not sure whether it’s love or simply lust.The only communication we have is through texts,chats and talking over phone and exchanging pictures of each other.His words confuses me. He shows care and love all the time and shows how serious he is for this relationship and that he wants to marry me n wants to spend his whole life with me.But sometimes I feel as if he is more interested in sex and has lustfull thoughts for me more than wat we call love because every night he wants me to do certain things that I don’t find comfortable and willing to do,he says having sexual relationships helps to increase love within the two.And whenever I refuse doing so he becomes upset n stops talking to me at that particular time but next morning itself he forgets that,apologises to me n talks normally to me. My friends say he is just using you and so shouldn’t get along with him. I am so confused 🙁

    • Gianna Caiola
      Posted October 27, 2015 10:42 am 0Likes

      Hi Linda,
      I’m sorry you are feeling confusion in your relationship. A relationship should bring happiness in to your life and allow you to be your true-est self. Our friends over at YourTango have written a great article on signs of a toxic relationship, you can read it here, and the National Domestic Abuse Violence Hotline has a guideline for what a healthy relationship is, read here. If you feel unsafe in your relationship in any way, please call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

      Wishing you love & happiness,
      The Rewire Me Staff

  • Con STI
    Posted November 19, 2015 12:08 pm 0Likes

    Hi Rewire Me staff,

    I’m 34 and I’ve had a ‘friends with benefits’ friend for over 3 years now.
    I know I’m in love with her but I’m afraid to tell her because I’m not sure if she feels the same for me… It seems like she just enjoys the ‘fun time’ we have and isn’t interested in more… I could be mistaken… Do you guys think I should talk to her about my feelings??
    Thank you for helping

    • Gianna Caiola
      Posted November 19, 2015 1:02 pm 0Likes

      Hey Con,

      We can’t tell you if she’s in to you (we don’t know her) but it never hurts to ask. Here is some reading material that may help you make up your mind: Law of Attraction and Steering the Relationship. Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

      Much Love,
      RWM Staff

  • Heidi
    Posted November 19, 2015 12:14 pm 0Likes

    I agree that love is all in the details–when he remembers the little things I tell him, that’s how I know it’s the real deal.

  • Geri
    Posted November 20, 2015 3:07 pm 2Likes

    It’s crazy how easy it is to get lost in lust and think it’s love. It really is hard to tell the difference sometimes, but this article breaks it down perfectly!

  • Sammy
    Posted November 25, 2015 2:33 am 1Likes

    I just wanted to get some perspective and advice from anyone who’s willing to share. There’s this guy I’m totally head over heels in love with. We’ve been friends for a long time. Like 12 years. And recently, it’s started to become more than that. We talk all the time via text and facebook. And maybe have about 2 hours of phone conversation a month. He lives about 3000 miles away. 🙁 And we’ve never actually been physical. I know he cares because he does remember quite a bit about me, but he doesn’t seem to want the relationship to grow and gets mad at me for small things like wanting to call him, or the sound of my voice. I try to be honest and communicate, but if I try and tell him I’m upset about something he did that made me sad, regardless of how calm and reasonable I am, he just lashes out and stops talking to me. He doesn’t want me to come to visit or take a day off work. But he’s always been there talking to be about everything before. I now always feel like I can’t be open with him about him hurting me because I’m afraid he’ll get mad at me again. We would have lots of fun together when he’s here. But he only wants to keep conversation light and casual. He says his feelings for me are real, but I don’t know. He’s never said that he loves me. I think he might as a friend, but it’s just such a strange situation. So I just wanted to ask anyone out there, if I’m just being paranoid? Should I put my efforts into another person and move on? I just can’t understand why someone who would like you, wouldn’t want to try to build onto what you already have if the other person is more than willing. Maybe he’s in a different place than I am…

  • Amy
    Posted December 2, 2015 6:03 pm 0Likes

    I recently met someone and things seem to be progressing rather quickly. Having had my share of ‘toxic’ relationships, I’m genuinely trying trying to figure out if this guy is for real or not. We have had several lengthy (2-3 hour) phone conversations. We’ve met in person for dinner and an evening at the casino. We both had a great time. We both have developed strong feelings rather already and talk about building a life together. There is no pressure on the sexual side and we’ve actually discussed that we’re comfortable letting it happen naturally and just spending time building the foundation. I’ve never been one to truly believe in love at first sight but I also can’t help the way I feel about this man. So why am I concerned? I’ve recently read some other articles online about narcissists and how they lure you in about sharing personal information, etc., and I do have some mild trust issues that tend to raise red flags due to previous relationships. He’s an over the road truck driver and about a week and a half ago he was carrying a load; we had been chatting and talking as usual. He told me that he was headed south and would be coming into a bad service area and would let me know when he was back out of it. That was the last I heard from him for about 10 days. When I did hear back from him he of course apologized all over the place and gave an explanation that he had stopped off to see his aunt and had left his phone behind. He says he didn’t realize it until he was too far to turn around and waited until he had another load back in that area to stop back and pick it up. Unfortunately before then, we had not exchanged anything other than phone numbers so there was no additional way to communicate. We have now and he has assured me that my number is now written down and in the glove compartment of his vehicle so that it isn’t just stored in the contacts of his phone. Because of my trust issues and things I’ve read online I’m not so sure I believe this story. But that is my first and only red flag at this point. I’m inclined to continue moving forward and see how things progress. He’s not the best looking guy and in fact he really isn’t the type of guy I would normally go for. But I can see myself having a future with him and a very happy one at that – assuming there isn’t any lying going on. I want to enjoy this relationship, but remain aware. Yet I don’t want to become obsessed with scrutinizing every thing he says making sure things add up. How do I tell if this is too good to be true or if his intentions are true? I don’t believe it’s a lust thing. I’m more concerned about if I’m the only one.

    • Gianna Caiola
      Posted December 3, 2015 2:37 pm 1Likes

      Hi Amy,

      There’s no way anyone can know someone else’s intentions without asking them outright. Relationships are a constant “getting to know you” experience as you peel through layers of your partner’s personality. It’s both exciting and terrifying and it is okay to feel both emotions. Here are some articles that could prove useful in providing more insight: Rewire Your Brain for Love, Law of Attraction: Relationship Goals, and Do you Always Fall For The Wrong Person.

      Remember that as helpful as any article can be; you know yourself, your life and your partner best. Believe in your own strength and point-of-view and you will create a life filled with love and happiness.

      Much Love,
      RWM Staff

  • John
    Posted December 3, 2015 4:21 pm 0Likes

    Coming from a guy’s perspective, I think (at least for me) lust comes first and then turns into love. For my guy friends this is also usually the case. A lot of girls assume we have the wrong intentions in the beginning, but the truth is we are programmed to feel desire first before feeling love. Love takes time.

  • MD
    Posted January 12, 2016 8:25 pm 0Likes

    My friend and I of 20 years have been talking on the phone and texting each other every day. It’s almost nonstop. We have a lot in common obviously because of our friendship. We know lots about each other’s past relationships. Well about 3 months ago she told me how she feels about me. And of course I expressed my feelings for her. I can honestly say that I do love her and she loves me. Now the problem is that she is married while I’m single. She says she wants to be with me but is having troubles leaving her husband.

  • NS
    Posted February 28, 2016 6:21 am 0Likes

    I have a bit of an odd question. I know love and lust are very different, but hard to differentiate from. My question is probably more of semantics than anything: could love be an evolution of lust? One could say that it’s a lustful aspect that draws us to someone, then as we learn that person more, that lust evolves into love. It would be a hard pressed thing for me to say that love has many redeveloped aspects of lust intertwined with it, which makes it a very big debate in the relationship field. I would say it’s very difficult to stay in love with someone who you don’t desire physically. That’s lust, right? But along with that physical desire, you have all of the emotional parallels. You start to desire that emotional interaction, get it, then love starts burning. Kind of like “I came for the lust (literally), stayed for the love” if you catch my drift.

    • Kyle Schlapkohl
      Posted February 29, 2016 4:22 pm 0Likes

      The difference between love and lust is something every person must decide for themselves. I’d love to say love and this and lust is that, but it’s much more personal then that. It definitely sounds like you’re on the right track though.

  • Shreya
    Posted February 29, 2016 4:44 pm 1Likes

    Hi! I’m 18. I have boy friend.I love him a lot but I’m confused wheather he really loves me or he just want hav sexual pleasures from me. Its only a few months we are dating

    • Kyle Schlapkohl
      Posted March 1, 2016 10:52 am 0Likes

      Unfortunately, whether or not someone really loves another is something that changes from person to person. Here’s a video by relationship expert Stan Tatkin that might help you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZsTpyAuaRI

  • T
    Posted April 14, 2016 1:30 am 0Likes

    I think he lusts over me now.
    When we first started talking it was love getting to know eachother and talking about our families and plans. Now I feel like it’s lust. Our relationship is 100% over the phone, texting, video chats, etc because he had moved to Montreal and has lived there for 2-3years now but is visiting and staying this summer and will be moving back to Toronto next year hence why we continued to talk.
    I don’t mind the flirty sex talk but now it’s become a day & night thing …
    How do we get back to the love ?

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted April 14, 2016 3:09 pm 0Likes

      Going from lust to love is just a matter of communicating your standards. If you aren’t letting him know it bothers you, then that pattern will continue. Men respect a woman who can express her boundaries, and if you’re unhappy you need to tell him. If he cares about you, he will respect what you have to say. You also have a lot of power in this situation; if you feel like he is heading into the “flirty sex talk” territory, then steer him in another direction. You might be pleasantly surprised 🙂

  • Carrie
    Posted July 18, 2016 4:13 am 0Likes

    I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do. I’m madly in love with my friend and we have been intimate for the past 4 years. He is 48 and I’m 28 which isn’t a problem for me at all but I do believe it’s a problem for him. He has told me that he’s had to sacrifice being in relationships because he’s afraid of hurting his kids (he had a tough childhood). I firmly believe that we are meant to be, but he seems jaded. I just can’t imagine how anyone can be intimate with someone for that long and not have feelings for them. What can I do to get an answer without actually telling him how I feel? He’s my friend and I don’t want to lose him all together.

  • Mou
    Posted July 19, 2016 5:46 am 1Likes

    I’ve known this guy for the past 4 months. At first, he said that we were just friends and I accepted it. But I have emotional feelings for him and when I said I loved him, he told me I should stop feeling that way because he only lusts after me. He said he didn’t want to hurt me and to just be friends. For the past week we are acting like friends but I still have some emotional feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to be just friends either.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted July 19, 2016 10:52 am 0Likes

      When a relationship ends, the question: “Can I still keep him/her in my life as a friend?” is something many people ask themselves. It’s a difficult question to answer, and it varies from person to person. Take a look at this video from one of my favorite relationship experts. He offers a lot of great advice.

  • Kaitlyn
    Posted August 1, 2016 7:47 pm 0Likes

    I’ve been in a long term relationship for 8 years. My bf proposed but now doesn’t want to marry. We are so close but we’ve been spending time with his friend Josh. Josh and I have always been very close and lately we have turned to each other for problems (My fiance threatens to break up all the time, but we usually are fine a few days later). For the past year, I’ve had strong feelings for Josh and I know he does for me because we will both say the same thing about how we feel and the other will agree, but we don’t act on it. My fiance and him are great friends and we don’t want to ruin it. We have had deep meaningful conversations and I trust him more than anyone. He’s like my best friend. He doesn’t use things against me like my fiance does sometimes. I know it wouldn’t work between us because it would create a riff between all of our friends. I can’t tell if it’s love or lust. After a year, I think about him a lot. I hate when he’s not around and I love talking to him. I also love my fiance. I don’t want to break up with him. I’m so confused.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted August 11, 2016 3:21 pm 0Likes

      Hi Kaitlyn, thank you for getting in touch. I can understand why you’re confused. When I’m unsure about a relationship, I ask myself one question: Do I like who I am when I am with this person? Your partner should bring out your best qualities and allow you to be your most authentic self. Also, as soon as I read your question, it reminded me of another popular article on Rewire Me, “Can You Love Two People At The Same Time?” It’s filled with a lot of good insight; I recommend checking it out. Wishing you luck in love!

  • Raewyn
    Posted August 18, 2016 12:59 am 0Likes

    Hi, I have been married for six years and my husband has been cheating on me for most of our marriage. Just when I was about to throw in the towel, a guy from my past started messaging me on Facebook. I told him that I was married and have children but he said he didn’t care. This long lost love keeps telling me he loves me, but I have no love for anyone except for my kids. My husband might have emotionally killed me. Lately I’ve been feeling good about myself because this Facebook friend keeps telling me sweet things that I don’t get from my husband. But now he wants to be intimate and I don’t know what to say because I’m so damaged. Should I leave my emotionally abusive, cheating husband for this sweet talking Facebook friend?

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted August 30, 2016 10:33 am 0Likes

      Hi Raewyn, This is a tough one–sounds like you are being torn in two directions. When I can’t make a decision (which happens all the time) I stop thinking about it for awhile. The answer always presents itself in one way or another. I wish I could tell you what choice is right or wrong, but when it comes to love and relationships, you’re the only one who can make this decision. It sounds like you need to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your husband. From there, you will know what to do.

  • Gemma
    Posted August 23, 2016 9:38 am 0Likes

    Hi, there is a man that I’ve liked for many years, and only this year did we finally confess we liked each other. Everything was going great when we first talked to each other, but then he started getting scared and said we could only be friends. He revealed he has a bad past with relationships so he isn’t emotionally ready for a new one, which I understand completely. But even so, we “hung out” together anyway and on the second “hang out” we got really flirty and ended up kissing almost to the point of him taking me back to his place. But that didn’t happen and I went home instead. The next day he revealed that he felt that he disrespected me and was deeply apologetic about it. However, it was only a few weeks later that we really did fool around and everything was perfect. But after that day things went sour. He didn’t text me or call me, and I didn’t really know what to do. We had agreed to be friends with benefits, but nothing happened and 4 long months went by and neither of us said anything other than the awkward hello (because we work together).

    And then, just over a month ago, I decided to contact him. He replied back and told me he thought I was no longer interested in him (the guy is really shy and insecure) so that’s why nothing happened. But I said he was wrong, and I’ve always been interested. But then he asked if expected anything from him (I’m guessing he’s still too scared to be in a relationship) so I stupidly said no. We spent the night together, it was amazing–so much better than the first time, it almost felt as if we hadn’t spent so much time apart.

    I wanted to know if this relationship could really work and he told me I could sleep with other people if I wanted to. But I don’t know, I notice he gets jealous and cold when I talk to other guys, so I’m confused. He confuses me because this doesn’t feel like just a friendship. He feels much more real to me than my past boyfriends. I’m in love with him and I can’t picture being with someone else. But I don’t know how to feel, he’s a very hot and cold kind of guy and I never know what to think with him. I want to say something to him ask him straight if things can change between us but at the same time I don’t want to scare him away because he’s the only person in my life that makes me feel good and comfortable. I’m scared but at the same time I can’t live in this confusion, what should I do?

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted August 30, 2016 4:08 pm 0Likes

      Thanks for reaching out Gemma. I can relate to the hot and cold guy–the guy who gives just enough to keep you interested, but you never quite know where you stand. I think you should have an open, honest talk with him. Don’t focus so much on “scaring him away”; simply tell him how you feel, what your standards are and what you’re looking for. It sounds like you have a connection, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting clarity. Good luck!

  • Lyn
    Posted September 12, 2016 7:52 am 1Likes

    Can you please help me? The question is: Can sex be an expression of love or motive of lust?

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted September 12, 2016 10:19 am 1Likes

      Hi Lyn, good question. Sex can express both love and lust, and it depends on the situation. For some people, sex is purely lust and for others it’s a combination of both. Hope that answers your question!

  • eva angelina
    Posted December 23, 2016 7:52 pm 0Likes

    This web site really has all of the information I needed about this subject and didn’t know who to ask.

    http://webefektiv.ro

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted December 23, 2016 7:59 pm 0Likes

      Thanks Eva! So glad you found what you’re looking for.

  • Ncamy
    Posted January 7, 2017 10:30 am 0Likes

    Hi, I am in so love with this man. We have a 1-year-old son and he does everything for me and my son, but I am not sure if he truly loves me. I’m confused.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted January 10, 2017 12:33 pm 0Likes

      Hi Ncamy, Unlike women who talk about their feelings, most men show how they feel through actions. If he is always there for you and your son, that is a good sign. But if you want more clarity on his feelings, it may be worth having a conversation with him. Personally, I always prefer the straightforward approach. Good luck!

  • Sudipta
    Posted February 3, 2017 11:30 pm 0Likes

    Hi, I have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years. As I belong to a conservative family , I don’t get many opportunities to date.I can manage to go out with him for a date two or three times a year. But we talk daily on Facebook , Whatsapp and on the phone for hours. We have made a lot of future plans. He also asked me to speak with his mom over the phone. 4 months ago, he was posted in a remote area for job . After that he told he felt lonely because he is now far away from his home. He also has told that he feels lonely and his desire to be intimate is stronger. We have also had many conversations related to sex. Last week he asked me if we could do it the next time I saw him, but I refused. He didn’t force me and talked with me over phone as usual. But I can feel that he is upset. What should I do now? What is your opinion about love or lust in my case?

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted February 6, 2017 12:17 pm 0Likes

      Hi Sudipta,

      This is an excellent question. It sounds like you are feeling both love and lust so I understand why you are a little confused. On the one hand, you two are very connected emotionally—communicating daily and talking about the future are both signs of love. You’re confused because he is asking about sex, which is a sign of lust BUT it’s also an expression of love. And this is where the confusion comes in. In a healthy relationship, love and lust are part of the equation. The problem is only when you two aren’t on the same page: when one person feels more lust or love than the other. It’s great that you were honest with him about being uncomfortable having sex. Communicating your wants and needs is the only way to have a happy and fulfilling relationship. I know you’re worried that he seems upset, but it’s completely normal for a guy to be disappointed in this case. If he loves you, he will be okay waiting until you are ready. I would continue to be honest with him and make sure he knows where you stand. Like I said, if he truly loves you, he will be okay waiting until you are comfortable taking that step.

  • Shiny
    Posted February 28, 2017 3:00 am 0Likes

    Hi, I have been in a relationship for 1 year. But my boyfriend and I have been loving each other for 2 years. All the 5 signs of true love as mentioned is present in our relationship. We love each other a lot. But the problem is he feels more lust for me than I do. Every time we meet each other he finds a way or another to physically love me and I don’t like it every time. I have talked to him about it. But according to him, whenever he sees me he just can’t control himself from loving me like that. He has even tried not to behave like that but in doing that I could feel that he is torturing himself, which I would never want. And I can’t stay away from him too. The balance in our case is very hard to achieve. What should I do now? Whenever I am not able to connect, I can feel that he becomes upset. It will be really helpful if you could suggest some ways by which we can balance our lust for each other.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted March 1, 2017 1:20 pm 0Likes

      Believe it or not, balancing lust is a common issue for couples. There are times when one person wants to be physical more than their partner and vice versa. When it comes to physical intimacy, it’s just a matter of being open and communicating with your partner. Most importantly, you need to accept that you both won’t always be on the same page, but it’s important to always be honest. For example, if there is a day when you aren’t feeling into it, you are better off communicating that to him instead of bottling it up inside. So to answer your question, it’s not really about balancing the lust rather than accepting that you both won’t always be on the same page. Embrace it when you’re both in the mood, and when one of you isn’t, then just let it go.

  • ivyj
    Posted March 3, 2017 11:52 pm 0Likes

    He is my best friend and my lover. We both just ended 6 year long relationships. We laugh and cry and love all without saying it. I feel like I should show him I love him. I have said the words and so has he, in the best friend way but not in the boyfriend/girlfriend way. He freaks out every once in awhile and almost pushes me away. I didn’t see him for a month and he was with another chick. I went on a few pointless dates also. While he was on these dates, he found himself texting me and said it was because I have more in common with him than she does. It’s hard because I am truly in love with this guy but I don’t take my kids around him yet. We have been sleeping together since June. I told myself 1 year before, I would consider allowing him into my kids life We were also going through a rough long term break up at the same time. I was only an acquaintance prior to June but I always had a weird soul connection with him. I can’t believe i can love somebody who doesn’t know my kids! He is super great though. We just keep saying we have time. What should I do?

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted May 31, 2017 1:17 pm 0Likes

      Hi Ivy,

      Since you two have a solid friendship, I would recommend being honest with him about how you feel. If you feel like now is the time to introduce him to your kids, then go for it. You don’t necessarily have to introduce him to them as your boyfriend or anything like that. But it might be nice to see how he interacts with them, and it would be a good next step. Good luck!

  • Jennifer
    Posted March 10, 2017 2:00 am 0Likes

    One of my guy friends had a crush on me and asked me out. At the time, I wasn’t really looking for a relationship, but I said yes because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings- I really liked him as a friend, and thought I could grow to love him. And I did, except after about 6 months of “dating”, he called it off, for “reasons he couldn’t really explain then”. I think maybe he had picked up on the fact that I wasn’t as interested in him as he was with me. It wasn’t until the breakup that I realized that I had feelings for him other than friendship. About a week ago however, I bumped into him and his friends and he asked me to tag along. We had a great time, and it wasn’t as awkward as I was expecting it to be. But it’s been a week now, and other than the times I see him in the college library, he hasn’t contacted me at all. So I’m getting mixed signals here. Should I give him more time, and wait for him to contact me, or should I contact him first?

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted May 31, 2017 12:42 pm 0Likes

      Hi Jennifer,

      When it comes to texting, I don’t play games. If I want to text him I do because texting first doesn’t really make a difference if he likes you. If you’re a secure, confident girl he will know it and who texts who first is irrelevant. So don’t listen to any of your friends who say that texting first looks needy or desperate; that’s completely wrong. Not to rant on and on about this, but the truth is that always waiting for a guy to text first makes you look more insecure and needy, like you need his approval/validation and you are giving him all the power. Trust me, guys pick up on all of this. I would recommend contacting him and you will know where you stand based on his reply.

  • Amy
    Posted April 6, 2017 4:25 pm 0Likes

    Hello, I have been married for 6 years now and have had many ups and downs in my marriage. About 2 1/2 years ago my husband started going to this salon to get his hair cut every week and I always wondered why he had to go to a salon to get his haircut. His response was he didn’t like men cutting his hair. About 6 months after we moved into our new home, I met the girl who cut his hair and she was pretty snobbish. Of course my husband was very attracted to her. Anyway I always got this feeling like they were doing something behind my back. I never found out if he cheated on me and when I would bring her up he would always get really defensive and tell me to stop being insecure. So there was some resentment build up on my end for a very long time. I think there still is a little bit of resentment but anyway that’s not why I’m here. Now that I’ve told you a little bit about my marriage I need you to know that I am not doing this out of spite but I think I found someone that I could see myself falling in love with. I have been going to this local Walmart since we moved here about 3 years now and I’ve noticed this cute guy that works there and he’s noticed me. Recently, we’ve started talking in person, phone, and Facebook. I’ve been to his house and I know I should feel guilty but I don’t. I don’t know this is probably just lust on his end because he has made a move but we never took it to the next level. In fact, I had to end it before things got to be really serious. On my end I can’t stop thinking about him. Even before we made out. I’m starting to lose feelings for my husband. Actually I don’t know if I ever had feelings for him. I guess what I want to know is if this is love with this guy or not.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted May 31, 2017 12:04 pm 0Likes

      Hi Amy,

      I don’t think you can tell it’s love with this guy if it’s this new. Love takes time to develop. Keep in mind, it’s normal for a guy to feel lust before love. So I would recommend getting to know him on a friend level at this point, especially if you haven’t sorted through your issues with your husband. It will be a win-win for you because in the meantime you can find out if you and the Walmart guy are actually compatible. Good luck!

  • sharah
    Posted May 27, 2017 11:18 pm 0Likes

    Hi Kaitlin,

    I get so interested with this topic and I’m so glad that I found this page, but I have a question though based on my current situation right now.. I’ve been seeing this man and spending a week with him at least twice already. The thing is I really started falling for him and I always get this separation anxiety every time I leave the place where he is staying right now. When we are together we are so happy. I feel so happy and comfortable with him. He brought me to places/restaurant that I like, we’ve had a lot of good memories and fun together. I asked him if we could see each other again and we always do. He also introduces me to his friends as “girlfriend” but I don’t know if it’s real because we haven’t talk about labels. I don’t know if we are just lovers, but we are happy together. I don’t like opening up with him like discussing what our status is because I might get disappointed if he says we are just lovers. Should I ask him if this is a relationship or wait for him to discuss it?

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted May 30, 2017 4:24 pm 0Likes

      Hi Sharah,

      These are very common questions that come up during the early stages of getting to know someone. I’ve asked myself the same things before. Based on what you told me, it sounds like you share a strong connection with this guy. Also, if he is calling you his girlfriend, that’s a great sign. I wouldn’t worry about bringing up the label topic. Most girls get nervous about the “what are we?” question when the guy has never said the word girlfriend before. But in your case, he has so my advice is to go for it. In my dating life, if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that when you’re with the right guy, you won’t worry about saying the wrong thing because he will respect and truly listen to what you have to say. You won’t be second guessing or questioning yourself. You can say what’s on your mind without the fear of losing him. And even in the worst case scenario, if he doesn’t respond or react the way you want, at least you know the truth and can move on. You deserve someone emotionally mature who can give you the commitment you want. Also, the other thing I would suggest is to focus less on the actual label and focus more on the relationship itself. If you are happy together, that’s what’s important. A label is just a label at the end of the day. If you know he’s committed to you, respects you and treats you well, then that’s what really counts. Good luck!

  • Caitlin
    Posted September 19, 2017 9:42 pm 0Likes

    Hi, I have really strong feelings for a guy, I’m not sure if I have ever experienced love but I look in his eyes and sometimes I don’t even feel like looking away. We talk a lot about practically anything and everything and we always ask if something is wrong when the other isn’t exactly acting like themselves.We have small touches especially if we are at work! I’m still trying to figure out if it’s love or wishful thinking! Please help!!!

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted September 20, 2017 11:22 am 0Likes

      Hi Caitlin,

      This story is adorable, it made me smile. From what you’re telling me, it sounds like you two have a great connection (and some of the love signs are definitely there!) If you want to know where he stands, I would continue to pay attention to his actions. Always go by what he does rather than what he says, because actions always speak louder than words. In the meantime, enjoy the butterflies and getting to know him. This part is fun 🙂

  • Ruth
    Posted October 10, 2017 1:00 am 0Likes

    Five years ago I fell in love, but we separated because of a misunderstanding. I never forgot her and think about her often. After 5 years suddenly I came across her on social media. I was upset to see she got married and has a 2 year old kid. I couldn’t control my emotions and I sent her a message. I’m ready to marry her and she has feelings for me as well, but in her present situation we don’t know what steps to take. Hoping for a good suggestion because I can’t discuss with my friends and relatives. No one understands my current situation. Thank you.

    • Kaitlin Vogel
      Posted October 10, 2017 2:45 pm 0Likes

      Hi Ruth,

      Thank you for reaching out. I understand the pain you’re going through–it hurts when you love someone and want to be with that person, but you can’t because of circumstances beyond your control. If she is open to communication, I recommend having more conversations about how you are both feeling, and then take it from there. It’s better to know where you stand so you can make a decision and move forward. If you two are aren’t on the same page, then the only thing you can do is let go. As painful as it is, it will be the best thing for you in the long run. Hope that helps! Good luck.

  • ireen
    Posted January 9, 2018 6:08 pm 0Likes

    I have been in love with this guy for 4years now he was very caring at first and has time went by I starting cheating on him and he knew about it but he would still be with me and make love to me . but now I have realised how much I love him when it is too late still his there when I need his help, when am upset with him he still texts and asks me to meet him,he encourages me and also gets upset with me but I think the attention is not like before even though I have told him how much I love him , for him he tells me he loves me that’s why his still with me,at times he still calls me funny names the only problem is we don’t get to spend alot of time together,who you think he still loves me?

    • Victoria Rotante
      Posted January 12, 2018 9:30 am 0Likes

      Hi Ireen,
      Hard to say.
      There was a breech of of trust there. Why don’t you ask him?

  • Spell Magic
    Posted February 2, 2018 1:38 pm 0Likes

    How I Got My Ex Back Throuhg Dr Ikhile Website http://solutiontemples.com

  • Alyssa
    Posted February 4, 2018 7:13 pm 0Likes

    Hi I’m 20 years old and I have been dating the same guy for two years I don’t know if what we have is love anymore at the beginning of the relationship he did things that took my trust away and I haven’t been able to trust him ever since. I still love him but I’m not sure if he loves me back or if he is just lusting for what I have and can give him. What happened in the beginning of the relationship has made it to where I don’t want to have sex at much because I’m afraid it’s lust instead of love. What should I do I really love him but I dont know what to do anymore.

  • Ayanda
    Posted February 9, 2018 9:53 am 0Likes

    Hi I’m 22 years and I have a crush on a guy who works where I’m doing my learnership,it seems like it is mutual thing because we are both entertaining each other and it’s the best feeling, we decided tthat we will see where it takes us after April, which is far,so I’m wondering if he agreed only because he doesn’t care if we date or not, or maybe he is doing it out of respect, it’s really hard to tell if he is really into me or just lusting,he doesn’t even want to tell me his real age but he is not old, I think he is around 23/24 so he doesn’t wanna tell me because I once told him I want a guy who is 5 years older than me I just don’t know what’s going on, I feel really frustrated because he is always on my mind and I hate that

  • Jessica
    Posted March 5, 2018 10:45 pm 1Likes

    My boyfriend recently came clean and told me he doesn’t lust my body, and I asked him why he was with me and he told me “because I love you and your personality” and I’ve never felt so ashamed of my body. On one hand I’m thankful that he loves me but I also asked him how long has it been going on and he said “a couple of weeks” which concern me….

    • Joy
      Posted March 19, 2018 9:56 am 0Likes

      I can relate but found out from the get go that communication is the forefront of any good relationship. For your sake your body is sacred to you not just who you date so try your best to ask him what he meant by what he said. I hope things work out for you.

  • Joy
    Posted March 19, 2018 9:28 am 0Likes

    So my boyfriend and I just started being that way and all he wants to do is make out which I have no problem with but he wants to do that to escape the problems we have in our relationship I.e dating for 2 months respectfully. Also he mentioned he loved me ad soon as he and I became boyfriend and girlfriend though I said it when we were just dating not official. Is this more love or lust or too soon to say?

  • JENNIFER
    Posted March 28, 2018 6:08 am 0Likes

    I AM FROM TEXAS, USA, I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MAN FOR 2 YEARS, WE PLANNED TO GET MARRIED BUT EVERYTHING TURNED THE WRONG WAY WHEN HE FELL IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER LADY, HE LEFT FOR NO REASON, I DID EVERYTHING TO GET HIM BACK BUT NOTHING WORKED TO MY SURPRISE MY MAN CAME BACK TO ME AND WANT US TO START ALL OVER AGAIN, I AM SO HAPPY MY MAN IS BACK FOREVER.

  • shelbie boatman
    Posted May 21, 2018 11:54 pm 0Likes

    My boyfriend and I have been together for four years , and we are still awkward around each other. He only will spend time with me when I ask him to, because he’s not used to inviting people places. We are both seventeen, but I long for a deeper connection. I keep trying to feel comfortable with him, but I worry that he’s too good for me. He deserves to feel a stronger connection too. We share very few interests and talk to eachother like two year olds. I don’t get it. We are both stubborn and want this relationship to last. I worry that I’m making a mistake. He makes me feel happy when I’m around him, but he is a very impulsive person and I am an anxiety prone individual. He’s a neat freak, and I’m an utter mess.

Leave a comment

Social

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

You have successfully subscribed to our mail list.

Too many subscribe attempts for this email address

* required