Defining yourself keeps you safe and secure
One of the most powerful concepts I’ve learned in my life emerged from my training as a Marriage and Family Therapist. It’s about boundaries, the invisible barrier that separates you from the world around you. Boundaries define who you are, and they keep you safe and secure – physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Having well-developed, appropriate boundaries ensures that you’re protected from behaviors and actions that are injurious, disrespectful or invasive.
People with healthy boundaries know their limits and are able to enforce them with quiet strength and authority.
Healthy boundaries – well-established limits regarding what you expect and need from others, and what you will and will not tolerate from others – allow you to move forward on a fulfilling and satisfying path, both at work and at home.
Those who have insufficient boundaries, I’ve found, have almost always experienced some form of emotional manipulation or trauma in their childhoods and upbringing. Children who’ve been abused or mistreated (emotionally, sexually, physically, etc.), for instance, experience a violation of their boundaries before they had the power or ability to advocate for or protect themselves. Unless we recognize this later in life, and do the necessary work to strengthen our boundaries, we experience ongoing mistreatment from others and a great deal of pain, confusion and unhappiness as a result.
Of course, we can’t control other people’s actions and words, but we can control our responses to them, and our actions in the face of language and behavior that violate who we have defined ourselves to be in this world.
If your boundaries are weak, others can and will find a way to get under your skin and hurt you, invade your privacy, suck your energy, drain your resources and wreak havoc on your life. Another way to say this is: without strong boundaries, we allow people to drain us parasitically, taking from us whatever we’ll allow them.
Healthy, strong boundaries ensure that you:
- Experience and demonstrate self-respect and respect of others
- Effectively understand and articulate the limits you’ve set for yourself
- Know, unequivocally, when your limits have been overstepped
- Determine with surety and confidence the actions you wish to take when your boundaries have been violated
- Live and relate well with yourself and others, and build a rewarding life that matches what you value and believe in
Strengthening your boundaries requires a few basic steps, and for many people I’ve coached and spoken to – particular those who had narcissistic parents or emotionally abusive childhoods – these boundary-strengthening steps aren’t easy or at all comfortable. Boundary development requires courage, strength, patience and time, but it’s an essential process toward a happier, more rewarding life and livelihood.
3 key steps developing stronger boundaries:
- Gain More Awareness Of What You Need
First, it’s critical to understand more deeply what you need more of in your life and work, and what isn’t working today.
Ask yourself: What do I desperately long for? Perhaps it’s more time, energy, honesty, compassion, respect, care, commitment. or power.
Begin the process of exploring when you feel thwarted, angry, resentful, drained and undervalued. Most likely, your boundaries need bolstering in these situations. Is your boss demanding that you’re available 24/7? Is your spouse refusing to do their part of the necessary work at home to help raise the children or manage the household responsibilities? Is your friend demanding, selfish and critical, or unable to relate to you in a caring way? Is your parent horrible to you?
Once you recognize exactly what you need that you’re not getting, and what you’re allowing that is no longer tolerable, start setting clear and unwavering limits – both out loud and to yourself – as to what you desire and need from others to feel respected and valued, and what you will no longer tolerate.
Take some time this week to think about your boundaries, then write down what your rules will be going forward in terms of what you expect, need, and will allow from others. Then, communicate these limits to the outside world calmly, clearly and unemotionally. Know in your heart and mind what the consequences will be if people don’t respect your limits.
- Stop Pleasing Others In Order To Feel Safe
Many hundreds of women I’ve worked with, especially those who grew up with parents who were emotionally manipulative or narcissistic, discover that as adults they are striving desperately to please others as a way to either feel safe from punishment or to fulfill their own neediness.
Accommodation to others can be healthy and caring in the right situations, but for those who’ve been culturally trained to be pleasing and self-sacrificing, it is a self-demeaning act that can destroy our chances for a happy, rewarding and empowered life.
Why do people overly accommodate and acquiesce to another’s wishes? The key reason is fear. People are afraid that approval and acceptance will be withheld if they are their most authentic, true selves. They’re deathly afraid that others will become angry or reject them for being honest because it actually happened to them again and again in the past.
Many people fear, too, that they are not worthy, smart, or strong enough to stand up for what they believe. They believe that if they stop giving in to the needs of others, they’ll cease to be loved, needed, cared for or accepted.
We learn this acquiescence in our early lives. Many people have adopted this behavior to survive their childhoods. Narcissism is now rising in epidemic proportions, and thousands were raised in homes that did not allow expression of true thoughts and feelings. Punishment, sometimes severe, ensued when individuals asserted themselves and enforced their personal limits.
Sadly, I’ve seen as a coach and therapist that if you don’t address your habitual pattern of over-accommodation to others, it simply won’t change. This damaging pattern will remain for a lifetime, forever tripping you up in your relationships, work and personal life.
- Get Help To Break The Cycle Of Mistreatment Or Abuse
When mistreatment is occurring, we often need outside support to help us recognize what’s really going on, to explore what needs to be changed and to take safe, appropriate action.
If you are experiencing abuse of any kind, help is available. Reach out and get the help you need. In the workplace, if you’re experiencing mistreatment, stop in your tracks, and make an evaluation of what’s transpiring. If any of the statements below are true for you, then proactive, empowered action is called for:
- I’m being harassed and made to do things that feel wrong.
- I’m being passed over or not treated fairly continually because I’m ___ (female, gay, African American, middle aged, disabled, pregnant, on leave, etc.).
- I’m being back-stabbed and maligned.
- I’ve been promised things by my supervisors that I’m not getting.
- My work is being sabotaged.
- Money is being withheld from me for no reason.
- I’m being punished or blamed for things I didn’t do.
- I’ve been forced into a position that I don’t want.
- I’m being excluded from meetings and other informational sources and networks that are essential for me to succeed at my job.
- My reviews have been great, but I’m not being rewarded as promised.
- I’ve been asked to do unethical or illegal things for the job/company.
- I have to work around the clock to get my job done, and I don’t want to.
If any of the situations listed above are happening, mistreatment may be occurring, and proactive measures are needed. But first, try to get in closer touch with who you are, what you will and will not accept, and understand with more clarity what you value in life and work, and what your limits are. Before you can act powerfully, you have to gain awareness of what feels wrong and right. Become very clear now – evaluate in detail anything that feels like a violation, ask yourself why, and document it.
The next critical step is to evaluate your response to this negative situation thus far. Have you communicated clearly your discomfort or your lack of agreement with what’s been happening? Have you said “Yes” when “No” was the real answer? Or have you shared your discontent in ineffective ways (gossiping, self-sabotaging, passive aggressive actions, etc.)? How are you potentially participating in this situation, and maintaining the cycle by not standing up for your convictions or enforcing your limits? What pieces of yourself are you giving away to be liked, accepted, or rewarded?
Once you have a clearer idea of where you stand, reach out for help to get a fresh, informed, neutral, outside perspective. This could be a discussion with a mentor, a sponsor, a lawyer, a therapist, coach, your Human Resources representative, your city’s Social Services Department – whatever is called for in your particular situation. Once you share your situation with them, evaluate their perspective honestly and openly. If it resonates as true, then decide what action is called for. If not, seek another source of support. Find help that feels right for you, but make sure you’re open to the truth, even if it’s very difficult to hear.
In the end, strong, healthy boundaries are essential in giving us the strength and power to design our lives and careers as we want them. Knowing what’s critical to you to lead a happy life, then braving up to take the necessary action to enforce those needs and values, is the difference between building a happy, satisfying life versus struggling continually with dismal disappointment and mistreatment.
This article originally appeared on KathyCaprino.com and is republished here with permission.
Kathy Caprino, M.A. is an international career and personal success coach, writer, speaker and leadership developer dedicated to the advancement of women worldwide. Considered a “brave up” expert for professionals, Kathy is the author of Breakdown, Breakthrough, and Founder of Ellia Communications, Inc., the Amazing Career Project and Amazing Career™ Coach Certification training. Kathy is also a Forbes, Huffington Post and LinkedIn contributor,